Today I Learned That Paris Hilton Had A Sex Tape

With John Henry here 12 years older than me, there's surely some things he knows in which I've never been brought to the light on. I would have never imagined a famous sex tape was one of them, thank you for my nightly plans the education. Grateful. 

I'm not quite sure why I thought she was famous, it would appear it never crossed my conscience to ponder such a thought-- obscure white women are consistently becoming famous for reasons unbeknownst to me, or others as a matter of fact. She has a wildly rich father and perhaps he had just manufactured her stardom, then, once people saw what a character she was, it all just took off. No, no, not at all, she's Kim Kardashian but far worse at marketing and capitalizing. 

Is everyone gone? Hopefully, because I have something to admit that will truly make me appear as though I am the largest moron alive-- I thought Paris Hilton became famous because of 'The Suite Life Of Zack and Cody'. I wish, with every cell in my gaunt, angular body, that I was joking and could of just manufactured that lie. I believed that the "Tipton Hotel" was a play on the "Hilton Hotels", and as the show revolved around the airhead heiress "London Tipton", it grew the popularity of Paris Hilton. But no, Disney Channel just created a spoof show after the life of a pornstar? I mean, talk about problematic, and even more importantly, talk about ruining my childhood-- jesus christ. That show was my favorite, how will I rewatch now, knowing that they're making light of sexual abuse? Maybe a little bit more aroused, but no differently if we're in the trust tree. 

Her PR team has done a hell of a job keeping this shit quiet, I'm a 20 year old male who didn't know about a celebrity porno...do you know how fucking covert you've gotta be for that to be a thing? I mean give those people a damn raise, there's never been anyone more dedicated or more prolific at their jobs. Those are the Michael Jordan and Tom Brady of public relations, Barry Bonds with his .600 on base percentage couldn't even match their level of dominance. 

via GIPHY
Now for research purposes, I needed to confirm that there was a real sex tape-- I am an aspiring big J after all. Confirmed, there is, in fact, a sex tape. I'll spare you the details, because I can't think of a more wince inducing task than reading a description of porn. However, the most shocking thing, was how far technology has come-- oh come on, grow up. Were people really forced to spank their hog to this 240p Alexander Graham Bell ass erotica? We sure do take for granted the 4K VR BDSM we're granted the privilege to nowadays. 

They really made an adolescent Brenda Song play a pornstar on television....society has come so far in the last 15 years, but not really if we're being honest...in fact Netflix may be trending in the opposite direction, but that's a whole nother story, talk about YIKES.