Can Someone Help Me Convince Chone Figgins That He's My Father

Sure, I'm a white kid born in Utah and have only lived on each of the coasts of this overblown hellhole we adorn in America. Sure, Chone Figgins is from Georgia and is black. Aside from those small details, we're the same person in every description. He was once the fastest person in baseball when he stole 62 bases for the Angels, that same year, EYE was the fastest person on the 2005 Pawtucket Bangers Tee Ball squad. Is this a coincidence to you? 

June 18, 2007:
Chone Figgins goes 6 for 6, including the game-tying single and walk-off triple, stunning the Astros to win 10-9. pic.twitter.com/pffWBePYc3

— Angels On This Day (@AngelsOTD) June 18, 2020

1999, a year of turnover, a year full of fear-- the end of the world was soon to hit. What was going to happen, what was the point of working? Per NASA and confirmed by sources close to me, 1999 had the highest rate of MDMA-Assisted suicides, a shocking stat. However this was my year of consumption, it's no wonder I'm such a fucking loser-- I was conceived because two people thought the world was ending and they wouldn't have to deal with me. Groundbreaking stuff, however in 1999 Chone resided in Salem, Oregon. Guess who else was in Oregon that year? MY MOTHER.

So like, DeChone can claim he's never been in the guts of a white woman but I see through that all-- there's nothing BUT white women in Salem, Oregon. And if it wasn't my mother, you're just telling me my mom is ugly and in that case we need to fight. I've got all the math and "proof" I need to run with the theory that I'm truly a mixed child and my mom hired some cunt to act like my "father" for a few years, and bleached my skin upon birth. I've never once seen an image of myself from the hospital, hmmm. Perhaps my mother is lying about having to get her intestines ripped out in order for me to have life? In that lie she's covering up me being Sammy Sosa'd before I could even take my first breath! I won't Rachel Dolezal though and claim to be black, I have no real proof and it's simply a theory. Props to me because a weaker man in my position likely starts spewing the N word while singing along to rap songs.

I just personally believe Chone Figgins is the coolest person alive and I have the decorum to prove my stance. My phone case adorns the slogan "Chone Figgins for President" and I own a shirt in which claims the Boogeyman himself is terrified of the power Chone possesses. You should see the looks I get from the Bernie Bros or the Trumpians when I masterfully destroy their policy talk with DeChone's 2.000 OPS in the 2002 World Series in which he was disgracefully snubbed his rightful MVP-- Troy Glaus can respectfully eat my flacid cock. Those fools believe I care about the olds takes on "healthcare" or "taxes" and I respectfully just don't give a fuck, we're bound to be devastated no matter the old white man we choose. Why not choose a man who would undoubtedly raise the moral of America? And the man who's perfect for the job? Chone Fuckin' Figgins, he was the life of the clubhouse, he'd motor around 2nd while chugging his barrel bound legs all the while looking cute as hell. He could meet with foreign leaders and they'd have no choice but to feel beloved and within company of a friend, do we want a career politician or a real person within the White House? 

No one alive is fucking rad enough to have the name Desmond but instead decide to go with the more phallic sounding "Chone", and he pulled it off with the utmost swagger. Mad homies would be pressed if their name was Chone, it's a name a select few could pull off. I would like it to be known that no one is a bigger Chone Figgins fan than me, I'm stamping my flag on these grounds and do not want to hear any heads claiming to be a Chone Figgins man-fan. Despite being a diminutive 5 foot 8, Chone was always listed at a burly 180 pounds, if he were to become my father perhaps he'd be able to teach me how to put some meat on my bones. I'm spindly currently but what if I was meant to be a built-up brick shithouse? I'm being held back from my true potential because he won't allow himself to harbor a relationship with his one and only champion for public office. In 2020, we've normalized everything from not having to identify as any gender to men painting their nails-- why can't we normalize someone being your paternal figure despite the chance he shares neither your blood nor genetics? 

I'm not asking for Alex Rodriguez to adopt me, he surely has people bartering for that in every which way on a daily basis, thirsting after his wealth. Mine is a pure love for a man and everything that encapsulates his being-- from his name to his athleticism. I would just like to be able to do a pushup and maybe even lift the bar of a bench press, is that too big an ask? I'd like to believe with a little crowdsourcing and a can do attitude, we as a collective can make anything a reality-- so I'm once again asking you, get this blog across to Chone Figgins desk so he can make his final decision. Either he crushes my hopes and dreams, sending me into a deeper depression than I currently reside OR I get a new brother in Desmond Jr. and abandon my so called "family" and move to Georgia. Your move dad, I'll be here waiting with eager breathe. 

Is the resemblance not shockingly uncanny? Check and MATE, dickheads, doubting my authenticity. I would NEVER lie.