With that being said...shoutout to Jeff D. Lowe, Tyler and the boys doin' their thing, I hope to one day be in the same place.
With no sports and my dopamine levels severely lacking, I need something to remind me of a bouncing ball before I try blasphemous new things like Knitting and such (read:crack). So why not make my life more saddening than it really is, and debate a fictious basketball game between me, myself and I!
There are two ground-rules, they are as follows. First, heights and weights were researched through a website some call "Google", if you have a beef with Cap'n Crunch bein' a little thick...thats on you boo. Secondly, if Rasputia says she's 165 then she's 165. I'm not one to argue with a fine respectable lady.
Team Men Playing Women
*extremely Common voice*
AAAAAAAaaaaat Point Guard, weighing in at 175, she can start a fire in the kitchen but can she start one on the court? At 5'7 we have, Mrs. DOUBTFIRE.
ANDDDD at Shooting Guard, weighing in at 165, can she control the ball like she does Norbit? Lets find out! At 5'9 it's RASPUTIA!
At forward, a fed in the streets but a freak in the sheets, standing 6 Feet 171 we've got BRITTANY WILSON.Coming in at a hot 6 Foot 2 Inches, 190 pounds, they say Terry Crews can't get enough, ladies and gents give it up for Mrs. TIFFANY WILSON.
Hellur? Hellur? She's straight out of the streets and will give you the beats. At 6'5 255 heeeeerrreeessss MADEA!PG: Mrs. Doubtfire|SG: Rasputia|SF: Brittany Wilson|PF: Tiffany Wilson|C: Madea
Team Villainous Sea Members
*still, an extremely Common voice*
He's got somethin' to prove and nothin' to lose, you know him from your morning munchies, at 5'5 155...CAP'N CRUNCH!
Grand dictator of Spongebob? Who's to say. But when it comes to the court you better believe he's ready to play. at 5'11 171...PATCHY THEEEE PIRATE!
At 6'6 250, he conquers the Sea too, don't you forget it, with locks from heaven...ladies and gents give it up for CONAN THE BARBARIAN!
PG: Cap'n Crunch|SG: Patchy the Pirate|SF: Conan the Barbarian|PF: Captain Morgan|C: Pirate Booty Mascot
What a matchup we have here today, we've got an identity crisis versus narcissism. Should be a doozy folks. First, we've gotta address the elephant in the room (no pun intended Rasputia)...Conan the Barbarian has got to be the best player we'll see in this matchup, with the distant second being the Wilson girls. Conan is a shredded Larry Bird, no question about it. We know from their FBI training however that the Wilson twins are skilled shooters and could have a bit of a Steph & Klay type chemistry goin' on.
Cap'n Crunch is gonna get absolutely bullied by Mrs. Doubtfire, he simply can not handle that wagon Mrs. Doubtfire is totin' around. Too thick Jeff Van Gundy, too thick.
Patchy the Pirate will be crying in the locker room before the half, with the box Rasputia is going to put him in. He's too mentally weak, he's been hangin' around sponges and starfish for the last 20 years. Rasputia is gonna put up numbers in this one.
As mentioned previously the Wilsons are skilled shooters, but they're one dimensional. Conan and the 10 FOOT Captain Morgan will promptly take away their one skill and they'll be rendered helpless, begging Madea for a screen just to get their shot off.
The problem then becomes, they have to deal with the 40 FOOT Pirate Booty Mascot. Everywhere they turn...they're just outsized by the Sea Villains. Conan sets up his team for success on offense and controls the game on defense. Devin "Rasputia Booker" gets her 40 but it's just never going to be enough.
After a relatively close first half, the size and starpower of the Villainous Sea Members is just too much to overcome.
Final score: 118-95.
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