Between the existential crisis and back-breaking regret I face on a daily basis, I fancy myself to rile up some of the more gullible on the Bird App--as a little treat. Call me a troll or title me as a "internet hardo", because nothing you say will ever be as harsh as I happen to already be within the confines of my own cerebrum--a man needs a vice sometimes. My vice just so happens to be finding the dumbest fucking people on the planet, who just so happen to have absolutely no sense of humor or common sense.
It all started on a somber and damp Tuesday afternoon when one Jared Carrabis decided to indulge in some lighthearted Houston Astros shade.
“Carlos Correa isn’t the right dude to mess with.” pic.twitter.com/gCy5ZPRxge
— Jared Carrabis (@Jared_Carrabis) August 18, 2020
You know me, i'm the coolest cat around! Everyone surely needs to know what I feel about this tweet so I fired off what I felt at the time to be the wittiest, most ingenious jab imaginable.
You know he hosts an MMA podcast though, right?
— B (@BAXLNDR) August 18, 2020
Met with a wide array of babbling bafoons unable to decipher the most obvious of satire, I was sadly unfazed, as what else is to be expected from an app without age limits available to the masses.
Yeah and I watch MMA. Your point?
— Alex McNinch (@AlexMcNinch27) August 18, 2020
I could host a podcast about an underground fight club were people stab one another, doesn’t make me a badass.
— Dylan Hansen (@dylan_hansen21) August 19, 2020
And I host a podcast about wrestling bears, doesn’t mean I’m capable of wrestling a bear. Knowing what a armbar is and knowing HOW to execute an armbar are very different.
— Show me the sports (@617sportaccnt) August 18, 2020
Above, we have your run of the mill standard morons who've never seen a tweet they didn't want to argue with. To me personally? That's the dumbest fucking hobby a man could have. "Ahh, just clocked out from a long day scrubbing hoses at the vacuum shop. Time to fire up Twitter and get offended!". These people however have absolutely positively nothing on the halfwit dullard in which I am soon to present, the most serious man on the planet. Meet my good pal, Yankees Dan!
Unless Carlos trains he doesn't know shit. I see it all the time. Ppl act like they can do any martial art by watching. I've chocked out plenty of ppl twice my size cuz they watched mma and think cuz their big they'll win. WRONG
— DFD316 (@yankeedan316) August 19, 2020
I know what you're thinking, "oh a Yankees fan who has no sense of humor! What a surprise!". You'd be correct in that assessment but even the most boisterous of the "MUH 27 RINGS WHEN POLIO WAS STILL A DEATH SENTENCE" crowd would be ashamed in one Yankees Dan! I do appreciate the attempt at a subtle flex in saying he's "chocked out plenty of ppl twice his size", takes a lot of valor to say that over the internet.
What did I decide to do? Well I indulged the Jiu-Jitsu genius to see how lengthy his depths of density could go. Baby, buckle up because this man was ready for WAR.
I applaud the confidence. Go to an MMA gym first and say that to their lowest fighter and come backand tell me how it went.
— DFD316 (@yankeedan316) August 19, 2020
At this point I was infatuated with Yankees Dan, he's Lakers Dan but real and I love him with all my heart-- like a baby hamster you get for Christmas unbeknownst to you they die within months.
Good morning pic.twitter.com/VX7xfoybdo
— Big Cat (@BarstoolBigCat) August 18, 2020
August 19, 2020 — DFD316 (@yankeedan316)*Madagascar
— Show me the sports (@617sportaccnt) August 19, 2020
Egg on my face, hand up that's on me. Misspelling a foreign island in which used solely for comedy, when conversing with a man as shrewd a vocabulary as Yankees Dan.
Please go to any local BJJ gym and say that to there coach and tell me how the rest of the night goes for u
— DFD316 (@yankeedan316) August 19, 2020
I thought maybe he would stumble upon the joke here, what a fucking moron I was for that though...Yankees Dan will NEVER stop the fight, he's a cold blooded killer.
I don't come in physical contact with men, imagine thinking you have any masculinity groping another man 🤮🤮🤮
— B (@BAXLNDR) August 19, 2020
Are you questioning my fucking knowledge about UFC? Ask me anything
— B (@BAXLNDR) August 19, 2020
What do you call a guy who thinks he can fuck ppl up because he watches UFC fights... a poser
— DFD316 (@yankeedan316) August 19, 2020
It was time for me to wave the white flag and give up, but not because i'm morally above abusing children online. I just felt that while not everyone can have the stunning intellect and wit of myself, that's no reason to have them looking like a bozo all over the web. The internet is forever after all.
Oh, you thought this was over? Not even close bubba. My darling Daniel was not letting me think that at 5'10 130 pounds that I, in any sense, could beat a UFC fighter. He just couldn't let that go, not in his character. A man has to have a cause to stand for, and his? Well that would be white knighting for the difficulty of MMA online.
I couldn't just stop and do something productive, no way Jose--this man is simply too adorable, I had developed a very sequestered sexual attraction to Yankees Dan. His honor and morals to making sure I KNEW I couldn't beat up a UFC fighter just reeled me in like a Big Mouth Bass on a titanium rod.
Now I simply have no earthly clue how this sleuth could've detected me to be on the younger side. Could it be I've always had my own face, showing off my gauntly immature appearance as my profile picture? Well, i'll let you decide. I believe in your intelligence, Yankees Dan's however? I want to send the fella to some Kumon tutoring sessions, he has potential guys, i'm telling you.
If he didn't catch on here, well it's sad for me to admit that he was never gonna. I love little buddy but it was beginning to slip into my psyche that just because of the fervor in which he became defensive surrounding the "argument" that perhaps I could make Jose Aldo my little bitch. I had to fold and be the bigger man, let him think he won the "fight", that proved me the nincompoop I am, in his glossy green eyes.
*****Spoiler*****...He didn't get it. I appreciate him checking in and caring about my well being however. It's this that leads me to believing Yankees Dan has a good heart, just horribly unaware of how Twitter works. Love you Yankees Dan, i'd be happy to grapple with you anytime, on one condition. We share a Banana Milkshake afterwards, one straw only of course. DM me for details.
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