They Need To Make These Fancy Schmancy Jet Packs Out Of Fire So We Can Be The Real Life Human Torch

Take. All. Of. My. Money... pic.twitter.com/nxcjznmu3A

— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) September 10, 2020

Does America hate fun or does America hate fun? This could have easily been turned into a contraption which exudes danger and swagger but instead we're allowing Craig from accounting to fuck everyone's gardens up-- and for what? This guy doesn't look cool nor will any woman feel the desire to fuck him. Should that of been fire rather than the inferior, run of the mill oxygen though? He'd have pussy for days! 

Growing up I watched one movie and one movie only, 'Fantastic 4'. Michael Chiklis was initially my ride or die, but as my bastard cousins popularized him in our battles I had to switch course.  I jumped aboard the Chris Evans train, much before the masses of America knew him as Captain America, I knew him as The Human Torch. He represented everything a man should be-- immature, misogynistic, powerful and last but not least, immature. I modeled my personality after his constant exuding of toxicity, and it molded me into the failure you're experiencing today. Now for the past 3 years, I've strayed away from superheroes-- "it's time to grow up" my father told me as he threw away my stuffed animals and handed me a bundle of 1992 Playboy's.

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However I'm now an adult, I've broken the shackles of my subservient dad and now have the freedom to express myself in whatever way I feel appropriate. So far that's manifested itself in the form of blogging about sexual intercourse with a variety of foods, fruits and miscellaneous sports balls-- but don't fret I've found my new passion in life. I will personally fund whomstever will create one of these jet packs that spits fire, I want to fly, but not like Craig up there, who created a nationwide boredom with his lame ass machine. I want to be Johnny Storm, I will be Johnny Storm, and I will kill my father for throwing away my Beanie Babies. 

How do I get away with burning mass quantities of land you may be asking? I've yet to figure that out, but it may be moot point because anyone who dares confront me can just get set ablaze with one wrong word. Is this a psychotic desire, yeah maybe, but everyone has to have their very own code to survive this crazy life we lead. I wouldn't use this power for bad unless provoked, so an individuals future is really put within their own hands. Plus, I don't want this technology for just me, I want it to be available to the masses. Perhaps we put a little more heavy duty control and thorough background checks upon it than we've done for the gas station AR-15, but any sane minded individual should have access to the joy that is a fire blasting flying machine. 

Since 2005, I've idolized Johnny Storm, this is my chance to be him-- don't take this away from me. Gentleman's promise that I'll not abuse the gift of flight nor wielding fire. Who's with me?  

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