Fellas, sports are back. All of these are being played currently for the first time...ever? It's incredible entertainment, every night there's some miraculous comeback or a baseball team scoring 29 runs. Things are good in the sports world after many moons of misery with nothing but Carol Baskin and Outer Banks. But you came to this blog, did you really expect a normal sports talk conversation about how awesome things are? Has that EVER been my forte? No, my brain doesn't work normally you dummy-- I can't just offer valuable commentary about the Lakers Pick & Roll or the Baltimore Orioles #4 starter as they try and get to the playoffs. I offer many things-- smut, ignorance, awful opinions and comedy that isn't actually funny. I have my strong suits, I know it and so do you.
So, when I offer you a FMK involving these 3 things, what do you envision coming next? A well thought out discussion on the pro's and con's of each sport where I eventually come to a logical conclusion whilst offering my unbiased opinion? Sorry, you're in the wrong place brah. Here we strictly talk about fucking inanimate objects because our significant others are so unsatisfied in the bedroom they refuse to ever engage in coitus. I'm keeping it classy today though, it is a Friday after all, the weekend should be a blast with the first full NFL slate-- we're not smashing fruit nor pizza's guts in anymore. We're only using sports balls as sex dolls, it's a step up, no grease or sugary liquids to clean up in the aftermath. I'm a sensible fella, so I know not everyone has hours to read a blog, so let's jump right into it.
Fuck- Football
The plushiest of the bunch, which is the biggest factor after all when deciding how to approach sex with an inanimate object. I'm becoming an expert in this field and whether that's a positive fact or a sad indictment on the state of my life-- make that determination for yourself, I'm not a pushy fella. Back to my petite peen in the smooth leather of 'The Duke', now I can't necessarily say it would be a pleasant feeling but it's an experience and sometimes that's even more valuable than a fleeting pleasureful sensation. I'm wearing a condom because I think rugburn could definitely be a concern here and I don't need to be explaining to anyone how my dick became stoplight red. I've yet to decide if lube will be allowed for these fuckings, it seems like a bit of a cheat code and against the spirit of the blog. Final verdict, no lube. Give me that football and let me show Roger Goodell who's daddy.
Marry- Basketball
I like 'em big, both ass, because I'm an alpha male of course but also a woman's head must be at least 62 centimetres in circumference for me to dabble with her. Guess how big the basketball is? 75 centimeters, boom, already cumming myself. Easy choice here because you can fashion it with a wig and even some Joanne's Fabrics googly eyes upon the Spalding if you're feeling extra kinky. I don't want to just hit and quit the basketball though because it has a bit of a tacky surface and you need to wear it down, you need to make it feel comfortable enough to let down its guard-- once you do so, only then will you achieve maximum gratification. Cut the hole through Jerry West, treat her like a queen and she'll be bouncing off the wall down for any kinky shit you desire. I made the lube debate earlier mostly because I am undoubtedly petrified of the tacky surface, I downplayed it earlier but my ramrod is gonna be unquestionably prickled after our 22 second sessions. Thems the breaks though, I love that circumference and want it in my life forever. Basketball is my least favorite of these sports too, so you BOZOS can't even call me biased. Suck it cunts.
Kill- Baseball
Uhhhh duh. It's just not humanly possible. I don't harness the heavy duty equipment needed to drill within the hard, rock like substance within the pill and I refuse to shatter my precious little warthog for content. A baseball has no circumference and as we know I'm a circumference man, everyone knows that! I always have been, it's common knowledge. The baseball is roughly the length of some bodily appendage I possess and that would be the primary positive it holds. Baseball is the most pure ball, it's valiantly smooth and glossy which is very provocative. So there are some pluses, the football and basketball are too fucking sexy however and I gotta be a man of honesty and integrity and go with my gut.
I apologize profusely for continuing this series. Will I do anything about it? Probably not, I find it wildly entertaining to write about objectophilia because the world is terrible and Twitter knaws at my brain on a daily basis-- this is my outlet to express dumbass thoughts. If I were to go to twitter and just say "I wouldn't fuck a Pineapple because it's too pokey" I'd be mocked relentlessly! Have a good weekend folks, stick your dick in a chicken nugget or two for me.
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