Can We All Admit The Internet Is Bored?

9, 11, 12 pic.twitter.com/eHzK5CO0Fk

— Russell Johnson (@RivalsJohnson) May 23, 2020

Now, as a man of the people and a humble servant of society I hold no moral superiority over others...with that being said.  How much is too much? Do I really need to know my e-pals favorite Gatorade flavors and Chex Mix types? I remember back in 1989, I was dining at Ruth's Chris, I believe I ordered a Ribeye (cooked rare because i'm no pussy) with a pal named George Gervin... perhaps you've heard of him? He told me "The character of man is not defined by his spirit, but by the hope he sees out of others". I flipped the table and ran out, making him pay for my entire meal. You get it.

31 years later, I will be taking my good friend George's advice and laying off the judgement that I dearly want to hold over the head of the internet as a collective. The practice of ranking Gatorade isn't pejorative in any which manner and holds great value in our societal structure. 

Shucks, maybe even silly ol' me will jump into the mix and give my two cents on this one...just to have a little bit of fun with the kiddos tucked into bed and a belly full of chardonnay. 

11- Lemon Lime

As the first ever batch of Gatorade was crafted with Lemon Juice being the flavoring, it would feel immoral to include anything else in this spot. For me to think that I would know better than the good men crafting this fine liquid concoction would be arrogant and beneath me as a man. I remember drinkin' the Lemon Lime as a little tike runnin' around playing little league, I played right field, not to brag. 

Now some say right field is where they stuck the worst player on the team but personally that seems backwards, sure I hit .067 but right field is where stars such as Mookie Betts, Aaron Judge, Cody Bellinger and Bryce Harper play...are you telling me they're the worst players on their team? Seems far from likely. So yes, I was the best player on the 1972 Topeka Cardinals in the AA Ball division of the Kansas Youth League. Guess what fueled me? Lemon Lime Gatorade, now that's a co-sign.

7- Glacier Freeze

As an environmentalist I decide to choose this one because I agree with the naming. We do need more Glacier Freeze because our polar bears are dying at an alarming rate. I do my best to compost and recycle, all my shirts are made out of bamboo and I make yearly sizable donations to the Environmental Defense Funds. Sometimes it all feels so pointless however as I see disgusting cities such as New York fluttered with waste and pollution. I've been considering moving to a country such as Sweden with much more strict pollution laws. 

Glacier Freeze was a good thirst quencher however and I have nothing negative to say about it as a flavor.  

6- Lime Cucumber 

Now as my palate has sophisticated over the years i've become a bit of a snob, the sweetness of your standard Gatorade just overwhelms my sensibilities...It's just too sweet, I prefer the Umami from a nice V8 tomato juice. When I do need some electrolytes after a rowdy bachelor party with my boys getting home past 11PM, i'll turn to the Lime Cucumber.

The cucumber is just mellow enough for me to get a few gulps down without wanting to throw up thinking of all the sugar i'm pouring into my temple.