We're Living In A Simulation, So I'm Writing about Potatoes

What's your Top 5? Reply in the comments belowhttps://t.co/qGbgvNIcUe pic.twitter.com/XaxjcyviK8

— KFC Radio (@KFCradio) May 13, 2020

This idea, quite clearly, is not mine. However Max Kellerman, I too enjoy a Potato from time to time, as a treat....And I too, have an opinion on the matter, so here we are. Time is currently, well, fake...and what else better do I have to do than write about the best ways to eat a Potato? 

They laid out the Top 5 as a ground rule, so, as a man of honor, as a man of integrity and as a man with discipline...I will abide by those rules. 


via GIPHY

#5- Potato Pancakes

Some may call them Latkes or Boxties, as an uncultured white American male however, it MUST be as simple as possible.

A traditional Potato Pancake is shredded, much like a Hashbrown....That is simply, and I can not express this enough, not what i'm talking about. I'm talkin' about some leftover, next morning, bomb ass mashed potatoes mixed with an egg & flour....fry that shit up in some hot oil and you've gotta crispy, greasy, caloric BOMB of a meal. Top it off with some Sour Cream and Cheese, because you really don't care about your health, and your day is off to a roaring start.

#4- Hashbrowns

These should be much higher, and it's not their fault they aren't. The fact of the matter, is that no one, can cook these things right. It's got the same odds as hitting the lotto...but that one time...that one time, you get the batch where they're perfectly crispy throughout, it's life-changing to put it simply. 

McDonalds and fast food in general, has been carrying the Hashbrown game on its back for far too long. Ask Patrick Ewing, one man can't do it all alone, there needs to be some teamwork here fellas. Fast Food is putting up 25 & 11 a night, where are you, Greg Anthony? I'll tell you where, makin' sloppy Hashbrowns and blowin' it for the whole damned team. 

#3- Tater Tots

Answer me this pal, why the hell don't more restaurants serve Tots? They just simply blow fries out of the water and you can not debate that, I will not let you debate it. Fries are more versatile, there's no doubt that Tots are what they are in shape and size, but a plain Tot with salt vs. a plain fry with salt? '96 Yankees against the 2019 Orioles, it's a bloodbath, Jeff Van Gundy. 

#2- Loaded Fries

Whoever looked at Fries and thought, "Hmmph, lets say fuck ev-ery-thing and put Cheese, Bacon, AND Sour Cream on these things"...needs to run for office and control our country...They're very clearly on a whole different planet than us mentally, why are we taught about Sir Isaac Newton in school and not this guy? The people are asking. Dialogue will be started. 

#1- Wavy Lays Potato Chips

Normal Lays? Get 'em outta here. Flavors? Get 'em outta here. Wavy Lays has had the game in a Steiner Recliner since the day they dropped. If you're gonna tell me they taste the same as a normal Lay? The conversation is already over, i'm sorry you're just wrong, it is what it is. You've lost.

There's never been any variation in this game either, one bag of 'em isn't gonna taste any different than the other. San Antonio Wavy Lays, Model of Consistency.

And don't come at me with "Ruffles" either. Ruffles STINK, they're brittle and a thin little bitch of a chip.