Colin From The Local Champs Sports (Located South Of Charley's Cheesesteaks In The Mall) Has Massive Questions He Needs Answered

Growing older for me has meant accepting my own ineptitude and admitting I can no longer think for myself without the approval of a little blue bird. Colin, my closest confidante and occasional health care provider has revolutionized his mind through the power of radical celibacy from social media. 

He's who I turn to for all crucial issues and political discourse, as I know his mind has not been warped by the wicked fake news media. His age old principal debates range from "how did Brandon Webb win NL Cy Young in 2006?", as he's a big Carlos Zambrano fan, all the way to pondering if Zooey Deschanel really requires glasses. Colin is what we call one with a barbers mentality, he doesn't focus upon the snapshot, he instead delves into the minutia and finds the conspiracy lying within. 

By September 14th, Colin had sensed the odor of hanky panky taking place from within law enforcement. He turned to online forums and suddenly had the blame pinned on the people of the Zhuoshui River in Thailand. Colin, who we endearingly call Hi-C due to his lust for the fruity flavored beverage (it's practically all he consumes), well 2017 was a rough year for Colin, he has practically put a hex on the McDonalds corporation as a whole. If you even attempt to suggest alternatives such as Crush or Fruitopia, you've surely lost his friendship for good. 

Colin reloading for his twelfth cup of the day 

He insisted the assumption jump to the Taiwanese had nothing to do with race however. He was persistent that it was wholly based upon their proximity to the largest thermite patch in eastern Asia. 

As time goes on, Colin's stories tend to meld together, creating a scene that would be unrepeatable even in your wildest fantasies. For example, he has for years now accused Mike Francesca of being the Zodiac Killer, claiming "he has intent!" and that the inflection and accentuation in his voice matched the taunting letters received. It seems crazy until you delve into his reasoning, Mikey would of been in his late teens, early 20's during the reign and as the community folk know, that is the physical prime for mass killings. By 1976, Francesca transitioned into sportswriting full time, do you know what faded out in the mid 70's? Well, well, well...if it wasn't the Zodiac killings.  

By 2016, Hi-C was convinced Eric Gagne was a member of ISIS and that Erick Dampier had ties to Pol Pot, claiming his college sorority Kappa Alpha Psi means "Grand POLemarch" and that surely couldn't be a coincidence. Sports are purely fuel to stoke the fire of Colin's zealous brain, believing all influential people are withholding crucial information. 

Free Carlos Zambrano, be weary of Erick Dampier and arrest Mike Francesca.