Monday, July 20, 2020

Nightly MLB Recap: This Is All Going Too Smoothly For My Liking

Without a shadow of doubt, something devastatingly bad is bound to break any minute now. The MLB is assuredly not competent enough for the season to start on Thursday without a hiccup. We are merely grubby sewer rats coming across an endless supply of the finest Gouda, the trap is somewhere ready to snap at any moment now. The Blue Jays being evicted by Blackface Trudeau was merely a speck of mold on a succulent morsel, barely perceptible.  
By Wednesday night we will have learned the ever mercurial Bobby Manfred has been having the players supplied with faux testing and scattering "positive" results among the league for seemingly feasible test outcomes.

 For now I'm going to choose to pull the trigger and allow excitement to consume me, all whilst knowing it will be hijacked at any given second, in the same way you would eat an entire package of Oreos despite knowing you're going to wake up the size of Chris Farley the very next morning. 
I wonder how often Theo Epstein wakes up in a damp lather knowing he traded this guy for an adult male, who at the very least can't even scrub a wide bottom frying pan? 
Where do I start with Giancarlo Stanton...Okay, I have a pro and a con, hear me out. Pro, he looks like an absolutely tantalizing sex symbol, he got the Instagram model workout plan and followed it to the T.  Voluptuous with an emphasis on the o-u-s, sheeeeeesh.  
 As for the negative...Well, he still can't hit a breaking ball away. But don't worry, it'd only be a real worry if he had a long term contract that owed him hundreds of millions of dollars. No matter the issue, he'll always have that hourglass body and be caked up to the brim, so all other worries become secondary at that point. 

On the other side of the Yankees spectrum, this ogre built motherfucker is certainly ready for Max Scherzer meatballs come Thursday. 3 homers in 2 nights, watch out Barry. 

The Dodgers offense, they might be good? Last night it was one of their MVP's clearing the bases and tonight? Well, tonight it's their other doing the very same. It's just unfair to the rest of the Western teams, they have no shot. The Padres should be looking for a name change to the Hijos because the only thing in their future is being sonned, BADA BING. 
It's a real shame the Indians owners have chosen to method act as the general vermin of Ohio, portraying their dirt poor populous. Perhaps they should hold off on that 3rd yacht to go floating down the debris filled reservoirs of the midwest and instead pay Francisco Lindor.
There is no reason players shouldn't be mic'd up every game. You want to grow the game, perhaps stop worrying about pace of play and let your stars personalities shine? I know its a brash and novel concept but apparently these guys are actually people, who knew? If only the NBA had laid out a path on how to showcase your biggest talents...Huh, well I've got nothin'.
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1 comment:

  1. Cheatin' VeganJuly 22, 2020 at 11:27 AM

    Hey man, this looks like a pretty fun blog -- I'm following!

    ReplyDelete

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