Nightly MLB Recap: This Is All Going Too Smoothly For My Liking

Without a shadow of doubt, something devastatingly bad is bound to break any minute now. The MLB is assuredly not competent enough for the season to start on Thursday without a hiccup. We are merely grubby sewer rats coming across an endless supply of the finest Gouda, the trap is somewhere ready to snap at any moment now. The Blue Jays being evicted by Blackface Trudeau was merely a speck of mold on a succulent morsel, barely perceptible.  

By Wednesday night we will have learned the ever mercurial Bobby Manfred has been having the players supplied with faux testing and scattering "positive" results among the league for seemingly feasible test outcomes.

For now I'm going to choose to pull the trigger and allow excitement to consume me, all whilst knowing it will be hijacked at any given second, in the same way you would eat an entire package of Oreos despite knowing you're going to wake up the size of Chris Farley the very next morning. 

Eloy Jimenez grand slam against the team that traded him 👀pic.twitter.com/iWDjW41pKD

— Stadium (@Stadium) July 21, 2020

I wonder how often Theo Epstein wakes up in a damp lather knowing he traded this guy for an adult male, who at the very least can't even scrub a wide bottom frying pan? 

Vince Velasquez, Bowel-locking 81mph Curveball. 💩 pic.twitter.com/YAjdl7uQzT

— Rob Friedman (@PitchingNinja) July 20, 2020

Where do I start with Giancarlo Stanton...Okay, I have a pro and a con, hear me out. Pro, he looks like an absolutely tantalizing sex symbol, he got the Instagram model workout plan and followed it to the T.  Voluptuous with an emphasis on the o-u-s, sheeeeeesh.  

Ummm, Giancarlo Stanton is skinny AF
👀 👀 👀 pic.twitter.com/IYgY5pHiCw

— Ryan Gorman (@GormoExJourno) July 19, 2020

 As for the negative...Well, he still can't hit a breaking ball away. But don't worry, it'd only be a real worry if he had a long term contract that owed him hundreds of millions of dollars. No matter the issue, he'll always have that hourglass body and be caked up to the brim, so all other worries become secondary at that point. 

Velasquez didnt get enough pitches in so they had him face an extra batter after the inning ended. Judge was the batter. Judge hit a homer. pic.twitter.com/y2tVt9VugY

— Jomboy (@Jomboy_) July 21, 2020

On the other side of the Yankees spectrum, this ogre built motherfucker is certainly ready for Max Scherzer meatballs come Thursday. 3 homers in 2 nights, watch out Barry. 

CODY BELLINGER GRAND SLAM REPLAY!

Thank you, MVP! Who else missed baseball like THIS?

cc: @MLB pic.twitter.com/un1zxRVbfT

— Dodgers Nation (@DodgersNation) July 20, 2020

.@mookiebetts with a three-piece. 💪 pic.twitter.com/L8GYwCgQlQ

— SportsNet LA (@SportsNetLA) July 21, 2020

The Dodgers offense, they might be good? Last night it was one of their MVP's clearing the bases and tonight? Well, tonight it's their other doing the very same. It's just unfair to the rest of the Western teams, they have no shot. The Padres should be looking for a name change to the Hijos because the only thing in their future is being sonned, BADA BING. 

Give. Lindor. The bag. pic.twitter.com/ZHNdI3hk5a

— Jared Carrabis (@Jared_Carrabis) July 21, 2020

It's a real shame the Indians owners have chosen to method act as the general vermin of Ohio, portraying their dirt poor populous. Perhaps they should hold off on that 3rd yacht to go floating down the debris filled reservoirs of the midwest and instead pay Francisco Lindor.

Petition to have Tim Anderson mic’d up for every single game. pic.twitter.com/Hc6BQ7aQss

— Jared Carrabis (@Jared_Carrabis) July 21, 2020

There is no reason players shouldn't be mic'd up every game. You want to grow the game, perhaps stop worrying about pace of play and let your stars personalities shine? I know its a brash and novel concept but apparently these guys are actually people, who knew? If only the NBA had laid out a path on how to showcase your biggest talents...Huh, well I've got nothin'.

Bryce Harper in Pinstripes: What Could've Been

It always seemed destined to happen, until it fuckin' didn't. Bryce Harper came out as a young phenom, in Sports Illustrated, stating loud and clear that he dreamed of donning pinstripes. It so happens that the Yankees rake in the most money of any MLB team, by FAR, and just so conveniently in a sport without a salary cap.

Well looky here that seems to be a match made in heaven, how bout it?

Player, who is much worse than Bryce Harper,
frustrated after yet another strikeout...or maybe
he just strained his hamstring for the third time this season.

Hal Steinbrenner, cheapskate fuck Yankees Owner, is much too concerned with his bottom line than winning and putting out a compelling product for this to make sense. Fans gobble that shit up too, "huh huh well he traded for Giancarlo's money so you can't expect him to pay Bryce Harper too!" 

Are you fucking kidding me? 

THE YANKEES MADE 683 MILLION DOLLARS LAST YEAR. I mean seriously, Bryce Harper's annual salary for his 13 Year/330 Million contract is ~25.4M....THE YANKEES ARE PAYING BRETT GARDNER AND AARON HICKS ~21M THIS YEAR AND NEXT. When you can squeeze that extra 4.4M out, for far worse players...you've just gotta do it!

SIX HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THREE MILLION DOLLARS. 

Hicks is signed through 2025 and has played a grand total of 59 games since he signed his contract...but he'll be back strong this year, right? Nahh, he had Tommy John this offseason and isn't gonna be back until 2021! Damnit Hal, you've done it again! You're simply a genius.

Bryce Harper is an MVP, the most recognizable name in baseball...the most marketable player in baseball...and wanted to be a Yankee, all things being equal. God damn that luxary tax though Hal! You'll only make 200 instead of 300 million and won't be able to afford that 3rd Yacht! 


Are they going to pay Aaron Judge? You know, that guy gets injured! 

I say this all to point to the fact that, whatever spin ownership puts on saving money, the Village Idiots just eat that shit up. It's why the cycle of mediocrity continues and the Yankees haven't won shit in the last decade. Stop falling for owners crying poor, all whilst buying Rembrandt paintings and Beach Clubs down in the Bahamas.