Showing posts with label Los Angeles Dodgers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Los Angeles Dodgers. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Mookie Betts Is Soon To Be Sad

Danny Phantom's mom was dumb thick, and Mookie Betts should be fucking sick. As someone who grew up in a variety of regions due to the nature of having a father working occupational therapist constantly caught rummaging through the purses of the monotone subdued employees, I can tell you with full confidence that there is no worse place in country than Los Angeles.  

 Through the thick, wet smog lies entitlement and traffic, a combination combing through the nightmares of any rational being. The forbidden Red Sox right fielder has been a resident for less than 6 months yet thinks he knows what he's signed himself up for, it's going to be a treacherous 13 years filled with quinoa and carrot juice. 


 Along with a price of living which makes New Yorkers squeamish, the income tax rate in this god forsaken region is approaching double that of his formerly known domicile in the greater eastside.  Meaning after taxes he's receiving a Nicholas Batumish 26 million per year, Hassan Whiteside scoffs upon salaries so meager. 

 The moral of this tale is that California is a miserable existence, nature is overrated and merely to distract you from the incessant child trafficking taking place within this territory. Boston now gets to feel what it's like to overrate their own Jeter much as Yankees fans have for centuries. A middling fielder proficient in slap singles is actually superior to your budding superstar at the hot corner. Devers gets to feel the pain A-Rod felt and Jeter Downs gets to hear intolerant bigotry chanted from the stands. Neither is worse however than signing up for a lifetime in the debris and vermin which is the below sea-level bowl called Los Angeles. 
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Tuesday, July 21, 2020

Wake Up With Mookie Betts Out For Vengeance On The World

I'm telling ya, these owners really don't like good players. In reality it's a dick measuring contest between billionaire confidantes to see who can win a title with the cheapest, third rate, crummy team. It's a bold strategy that the Dodgers seem to be straying away from, we'll see how that fares. 


Dear Red Sox fans, I apologize for the early morning assault. Consider this vengeance for 2004.
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Monday, July 20, 2020

Nightly MLB Recap: This Is All Going Too Smoothly For My Liking

Without a shadow of doubt, something devastatingly bad is bound to break any minute now. The MLB is assuredly not competent enough for the season to start on Thursday without a hiccup. We are merely grubby sewer rats coming across an endless supply of the finest Gouda, the trap is somewhere ready to snap at any moment now. The Blue Jays being evicted by Blackface Trudeau was merely a speck of mold on a succulent morsel, barely perceptible.  
By Wednesday night we will have learned the ever mercurial Bobby Manfred has been having the players supplied with faux testing and scattering "positive" results among the league for seemingly feasible test outcomes.

 For now I'm going to choose to pull the trigger and allow excitement to consume me, all whilst knowing it will be hijacked at any given second, in the same way you would eat an entire package of Oreos despite knowing you're going to wake up the size of Chris Farley the very next morning. 
I wonder how often Theo Epstein wakes up in a damp lather knowing he traded this guy for an adult male, who at the very least can't even scrub a wide bottom frying pan? 
Where do I start with Giancarlo Stanton...Okay, I have a pro and a con, hear me out. Pro, he looks like an absolutely tantalizing sex symbol, he got the Instagram model workout plan and followed it to the T.  Voluptuous with an emphasis on the o-u-s, sheeeeeesh.  
 As for the negative...Well, he still can't hit a breaking ball away. But don't worry, it'd only be a real worry if he had a long term contract that owed him hundreds of millions of dollars. No matter the issue, he'll always have that hourglass body and be caked up to the brim, so all other worries become secondary at that point. 

On the other side of the Yankees spectrum, this ogre built motherfucker is certainly ready for Max Scherzer meatballs come Thursday. 3 homers in 2 nights, watch out Barry. 

The Dodgers offense, they might be good? Last night it was one of their MVP's clearing the bases and tonight? Well, tonight it's their other doing the very same. It's just unfair to the rest of the Western teams, they have no shot. The Padres should be looking for a name change to the Hijos because the only thing in their future is being sonned, BADA BING. 
It's a real shame the Indians owners have chosen to method act as the general vermin of Ohio, portraying their dirt poor populous. Perhaps they should hold off on that 3rd yacht to go floating down the debris filled reservoirs of the midwest and instead pay Francisco Lindor.
There is no reason players shouldn't be mic'd up every game. You want to grow the game, perhaps stop worrying about pace of play and let your stars personalities shine? I know its a brash and novel concept but apparently these guys are actually people, who knew? If only the NBA had laid out a path on how to showcase your biggest talents...Huh, well I've got nothin'.
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