The Craigslist Hot Dog Eating Challenge

The trend in modern times is to normalize the grotesque, from pissing in the shower to being social awkward and straying from outside contact, labeling it "self-love". Acceptance and welcoming of new, second-nature acts and behaviors is needed, however it's also a slippery slope. There are imbedded facts within the fabric of this country, food in which is green is vile and pollution is a pompous conspiracy pushed by the posh corporate leaders. Push gas and eat ass, a saying that's as American as Apple Pie. Pushing things like Acai and something called "Tumeric" in no way should be permitted. Big words and newfangled vocabulary hurts our head, we're living off of public school doctrinarian here.

Crowdsourcing our glutton is a luxury we've been allowed throughout the years of exorbitant wars and debts. Cecil, a Columbian drag racer, is taking full advantage of the freedoms of the US. 

Throughout his first 22 weeks in the states he had bought $1,400 worth of illegal fireworks, claiming he was preparing to put together a "Flea Market Disneyland" until COVID hit and he instead used them to pay off his withstanding debts to the recently probed unlicensed IPA dispensary. His newest entrepreneurial endeavor was sparked from the depths of his cable box. As he saw glizzy's downed by the bunches it sparked his creative side, with his Independence day upcoming, he wanted a path in which to unify. 

July 20th put into motion his 1st Annual Craigslist Invitational Glizzy Gobbler Games. The winner would receive the Weiner Waist Belt, 8 bun length dogs casted in pure bronze, held together with the sinew of squirrel hide created in the garage of Rodrigo from the local Abercrombie & Fitch. The portly built fellow would receive a cost-free entry within the competition for his labor, all others requiring a payment of 12 Cherry Bombs and 2 M-80's. 

At the time the vying opposition arrived at the abandoned Papa Johns parking lot on Oak Street, Cecil had been procuring scrap metal for a "surprise". The tables had long been set up and Cecils wife was assembling the platters of phallic franks, you know women be cookin', amirite? 

The competition kicked off at the top of the 2 o'clock hour and juices were flying. Jenny from accounting quickly bowed out, furious after learning the hot dogs were neither vegan nor gluten-free. 

Rodrigo begun to eclipse the competition with relative ease, seemingly running away with it at the benefit of his seemingly revolting strategy of half Hennessy, half Mike's Hard Lemonade dipping solution. As could be imagine though, he soon after hit a wall, stumbling seemingly unbeknownst into the plastered over cardboard cutout of Papa John himself. 

Timothy Robbins, the town Karate sensei wore a t-shirt brandishing the slogan 'Mind over Matter', sadly the 5'6 Timmy topped out at 5 and three quarters dogs before bowing gracefully towards his leftover spread and thanking Isabell to his left for gracing him with her presence. Isabell, performing at a moderate pace, had one glance at the beads of moisture wicking from Tim's unkempt unibrow and yacked suddenly onto his authentic Japanese Kimono. 

Recent Trenton, New Jersey transplant and former professional athlete Ronald Curry was in attendance and by the time the 14th and final participant had arrived, the Vegas moneyline was overwhelmingly favoring Ronald. However many are questioning the legitimacy of his attendance because he seemingly had not one iota of interest in being there. As if Cecil desired legitimacy for his event and hypothesized that a former NFL player with close to 200 career receptions and unrecognizable to the masses would skyrocket his approval rating within the competitive eating scene to new heights.

Many soon knew it'd be a 3 man race between Jesse, a self proclaimed "street entrepreneur", Rodrigo and Salazar. Salazar was quiet throughout the days leading up to event, leaving many to question who he was and if this international man of mystery was indeed a real threat. Unbeknownst to them all, Salazar was a preeminent extra throughout telenovela's throughout the late 2000's and early 2010's. He desired fame and with his unique striding gate his gelatinous figure loomed large. 

Jesse, a frequent at the local waterpark, seemed hungry for the title. Both literally and figuratively as his glazed over eyes constantly veered towards the WWB (Weiner Waist Belt). At the 8th minute mark of the 10 allotted, we were tied at 9 a piece as Salazar and Jesse distended guts and all, were eyes on the prize full steam ahead. 

It was at this time Cecil showed up from his construction project with a chair seemingly made from just garden shovels. Thrown off by his emergence, Salazar slowed down considerably, finishing only another single frank. Jesse unfazed by his surroundings both now and in general, was the first annual Columbian Independence Weiner Waist Belt Champion.

As time expired, Cecil took a deep breath as he had been preparing for this moment for weeks. He stood, found his center of gravity, lifted his newly forged throne above his head, and proclaimed "Can you dig it sucka!?". He was met with raucous jeering and a sentiment floating around that this was all a mockery. 

Salazar scoffed, unimpressed by these childish antics. He hopped in his newly refinanced Kia Sorrento and skirted out the lot. Rodrigo looking double caked up on a Monday evening, rode home with Cecil as he was clearly in no condition to be alone. Ronald Curry, offended by the presumption he was related to the character from Paddington Bear, was gone by the 6th minute of the competition and Jenny was furiously scouring Google for the "Glizzy Gobbler Games Human Resources Department". 

Fast forward to 2 PM, July 22nd and members of the contest have since been informed Cecil and Rodrigo fled the country with the 156 Cherry Bombs and 24 M-80's. The investigation as to their whereabouts is unsolved and the only remaining object within Cecil's house is his shovel chair. 

As for the others, Cecil's wife ran off with Jesse, and Mr. Robbins dojo continues to be a hot bed for incels and tyrannized children across the county. Isabell has been formally entered into a psychiatric facility, and Ronald Curry moved back to Trenton sighting irreparable damages.