Showing posts with label NFL. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NFL. Show all posts

Monday, September 14, 2020

Someone Please Put A Bullet Through Taysom Hill's Head Already

Unbearable. Just. So. Unbearable. Not only is he a member of the worst cult in America, he's also cocky as hell. A cocky mormon is, in fact, the most dangerous member of society-- and not a good dangerous, more like school shooter dangerous. The fact that there's people out there who actually compare this whipped cream, piece of shit to Lamar Jackson is mind boggling. Imagine the Ravens using Lamar as a punt gunner during the beginning of the 2018 season when Flacco had yet to be exiled to Germany? 

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He has no reason to be so overconfident, he's Trace McSorley who's been given opportunity. Yet, whenever it is he makes a play, he feels as though he can scream like he just made a Super Bowl winning catch. If he hadn't been cut by Green Bay, he'd just be another 3rd string quarterback getting verbally abused by Aaron Rodgers, that no one knows. Someone sign RG3 next offseason, and play him in the Taysom Hill role if you want to see how easily replaceable Taysom Hill could be. I just don't understand why he's a thing, every advanced analytic says that all he does is hurt his team, and yet the Saints make their Hall of Fame quarterback an inflatable tube dummy on the field, to quell Hill's overblown sense of entitlement. 

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He's so fucking pale it literally makes my eyes hurt, like, Elmer's glue white. He hasn't seen the sun since 2002 and it shows in a major way. There's no chance he isn't Sean Payton's son from his forbidden family, blackmailing him to give him snaps or else his secrets will be exposed to Schefter, for all the world to know. I'm 100% confident Bill Belichick could sign Barry Bonds and he'd be do the exact same thing as Taysom Hill-- all he has to do is make throws where no one's within 100 feet of the receiver, and run as fast as he can swinging his arms like a plane propeller, but not actually doing anything productive. Bonds is even free to get back on the juice, because if you don't think Taysom is shooting up on a daily, you're just a dimwit. No white person can put on all that muscle naturally, I'd know. 

Do we think Bryce Harper and Taysom Hill, as the most notable mormons in professional sports, are great pals? Do you think they go out to the Salt Lake City Temple for a glass of non-alcoholic Eggnog every January, shortly after the Saints are soul-crushingly eliminated from the playoffs? I like to imagine they bust each others balls with a good run of "freaking's" and "gosh gummit's", whilst making fun of each others hair and devotion to the church. 

How do you think Taysom Hill feels when the Saints locker-room blasts NBA Youngboy after a big win? Either he leaves before hand or nods his head awkwardly, dabbing as each song ends. With how arrogant and self righteous he is, there's no question in my mind it's the latter. Michael Thomas and Taysom Hill have to be the best friends this world has ever seen, with how awful they both are. Or, or, or, Michael Thomas is extraordinarily jealous of Taysom because he's actually been doubted his entire life, and that's all Michael Thomas has ever wanted-- instead he's the nephew of a borderline Hall of Fame wide receiver and was a 5 star recruit to one of the powerhouses of college football.  

How is it possible for the Saints to have the worst trio of human beings as their quarterback room? Brees is a belligerent racist, with no backbone, who wants to be accepted by everyone and can't figure out where his morals lie. Jameis literally can't keep his hands to himself, quotes god in every other sentence and that's not to mention what an awful quarterback on the field he is. Taysom just exudes douchbaggery, from his name, to the bothersome arm sleeve, which gives him the belief that he's actually athletic. If this team doesn't fall apart by the end of the year, because of how tiresome the speeches coming from the quarterbacks are-- it'll be the biggest accomplishment of the NFL season. 
Ps. Anyone who's name is Taysom, has no shot at being a morally upstanding human being, and is bound to a life of criticism-- be it fair or some fuck up judging you on his blog no one reads. 

Pps. Who the fuck names their child Taysom? Is that even a real name?

Wednesday, September 9, 2020

Recapping My Fantasy Draft...Unless....No One Cares?

There I was...sitting with bated breathe in a dead sweat, it was a muggy September evening and silly old me indulged myself in a good old fashioned 12 team PPR snake draft. I had drawn the unlucky hand of the 10th overall pick, universally known as the worst position one could land, I was fucked. Drenched from pit to foot I was fuming and had a choice between Austin Eckler or Miles Sanders, I ran through all known analytics in my ingenious mastermind of a brain and came to my ultimate determination of one Austin Barkevious Alloecious Eckler. My fate was set and my stomach sank, the Chargers QB situation worries me and Keenan Allen may take the line share of targets-- "fuck!!!" I yelped, mortified of what my future held. 

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Are you still there? Have I not bored you to the depths of hell yet? Oh come on, that was at least a little more dramatic and enthralling than the typical Jimmy at the bar telling you about his fantasy team, no? I'm going to assume you just muttered about how it actually wasn't that bad because my self esteem simply can't handle someone insulting me. "Oh my god bro, I nabbed Kyler Murray in the 8th round!! I'm playing with idiots!", see it could have been worse. Much like gambling, fantasy is one of those things nearly everyone partakes in-- however no one cares about anything but their own roster. It's a spitting image of the world we live in today, people only care about themselves and would spit on you if they could without repercussion-- fantasy mimics reality. That was a fucking sick sentence, this brain just never stops churning out gems.

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Let's be honest here, I'm drawing this out for content but the true reason I wanted to write this beaut of a blog was to discuss my groundbreaking, trailblazer of a strategy I decided to implore this year. It's called drafting only players you hate watching and boy did I follow through, my team fucking sucks. I passed on known cool guys Joe Mixon and Tyreek Hill for the subdued and run of the mill Nick Chubb and major cornball JuJu Smith. I drafted two Bengals receivers because I really do despise myself and enjoy the torture. My QB's are Carson Wentz and Daniel Jones because to succeed in any field in America your leaders need to be supremely racist. And despite straying away from the domestic abuse in the first couple rounds, I picked up the king of striking women in Preston Williams for my bench. 

Was that any better? Is hearing someone drop quick quips on obscure NFL players not supremely interesting content to you? Well shucks, I'll just shut the fuck up now! Unless...? No....You wouldn't want to hear about why I took the Tampa Bay D/ST would you? You would! Well Steven Cheah, I'm so glad you could join me on this blog today! The Bucs were my poison of choice merely because I've had a long standing disdain for Vita Vea-- no reasoning behind it, I just think the way he looks protrudes douchebaggery. These are all the ultimate hedges against my own mush of a brain, if I go 0-12 it simply means all these players stunk and that's fundamentally a win-- in fact, I truly can't lose no matter what. I'll tell you, they don't make brains like this in every jamoke popping out the snatch. 

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Ps. If you were under the impression this was all a bit, you're sadly mistake my good friend.

Tuesday, September 8, 2020

What Do We Think Dan Orlovsky's Hobbies Are? Beastiality? Astrology? Midget Porn?

If you're one of those insufferable Twitter morons who actually enjoys Dan Orlovsky, just know I want you dead. Dan Orlovsky is everything wrong with ESPN as it's currently assembled. I seriously do not give a single shit about him breaking down film and thinking he's an offensive coordinator while on the set of 'Get Up'. Between Dan Orlovsky and Mike Greenberg, I don't think there's ever been a more porcelain adjacent duo on television. Who wakes up yearning to hear what the former idiot from the Detroit Lions and the lesser of the Mikes has to say about sports? As overheard at the local Quiznos "they make my coochie dry".


Dan Orlovsky went on television and said he has Sam Darnold ranked above Lamar Jackson for the future....seriously, he said that. Like, the MVP who was drafted in the same year as Darnold. Then teams, like actual NFL teams brought him in to interview for an Offensive Coordinator position. Sure, hiring people off TV has never blown up in a colossal way before anyways. He seems like a fine enough fella though outside of being an insufferable piece of shit, he's a god fearing man and although he's the absolute worst to ever do it, he thinks people care and tries to educate people through his knowledge of X's and O's. 

So what does he do when he's not bothering every American alive via being excruciatingly dull? Every man who claims to be a  "follower of Jesus" has some dark ass alter ego in which he either tortures squirrels or poisons large reservoirs. Anyone who portrays themselves as such a trim and proper fella is hiding demons like you wouldn't believe. So I've come up with my own hypothesis, as proven by the title I have 3 theories. 

Midget Porn-- I don't know man....look at his wife man...you can't tell me it'd be the craziest kink he could have. Sure, it could be flawed reasoning but just think about it...have you thought about it? I could see his computer chalk full of viruses due to him clicking on the "grow your dick 6 inches instantly!" pop-ups. We don't think there's any chance his home screen is xhamster, so he can crank his hog to a Gary Coleman lookalike fucking a Linda Hunt looking librarian, before breaking down Ali Marpet's Week 12 pull blocking? I'm calling bullshit if you can't see a world in which this is 100% accurate. Do we think anyone in the ESPN office genuinely likes Dan Orlovsky? In my eyes, they all see him as the kid in class who you just leave alone so when he has his eventual breakdown you're not who he comes after in search of vengeance. Midget porn is at the top of my power rankings, but if his internet history was exposed, it wouldn't befuddle me to find all three of these throughout his "top searches". 

Astrology-- I'm at a weird place in my life where I'm one accurate horoscope away from becoming a full blown astrology nutjob. I have no religion to believe in and I need a reason to not kill myself on a daily basis. Every day I mutter to myself like a New York City hobo about how there's no meaning to life, so someone find me a good horoscope and I'm in. As for Dan Orlovsky, he seems just woo woo enough to believe in the power of the stars and pansy enough to blame all his problems on "mercury being in retrograde". I am unaware if anything astrology related contradicts his religious beliefs however and if there's ever been a Go God Go guy, it's Danski. I'm a bad weekend away from Heath Ledger mentally, so I can admit Astrology is pretty fucking looney if I'm considering it-- Scientology might be a safer route. No one who trusts astrology gets married though, it's too much of a "societal construct" and as Danny Baby's bio clearly states, he's married to "a cool chick", talk about flattering. When I find my life partner I can only hope she thinks I'm "a cool dude".  

Beastiality-- This brings us to the next most likely scenario, fucking animals. Nothing exotic, he's not a lunatic-- just your run of the mill provocateurs, Deer, Dogs, Horses, the occasional Cattle, and Cats. He's not a raging mad man running around raping Turtles and Bobcats, just a good consensual bang sesh between a man and a feral feline or two. With the ESPN campus located in the midst of rural Connecticut there's surely a wide array of stray street deer to keep things fresh with. He did spend a majority of his career in Detroit on a team called the "Lions", both of which are primed to cultivate a demonic habit or two. I mean even Calvin Johnson, the most disciplined individual alive had to turn to the Devils Lettuce to survive that environment. 

Whatever the fuck it is, no one can be as innocent as Dan Orlovsky wants to come across as. Let's just all hope he's not harming anyone in the process, I'm surely not gonna put that into the universe. Maybe he's truly just the purest person alive and his vice is just giving blood to cancer patients. (definitely not true). 

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

The Craigslist Hot Dog Eating Challenge

The trend in modern times is to normalize the grotesque, from pissing in the shower to being social awkward and straying from outside contact, labeling it "self-love". Acceptance and welcoming of new, second-nature acts and behaviors is needed, however it's also a slippery slope. There are imbedded facts within the fabric of this country, food in which is green is vile and pollution is a pompous conspiracy pushed by the posh corporate leaders. Push gas and eat ass, a saying that's as American as Apple Pie. Pushing things like Acai and something called "Tumeric" in no way should be permitted. Big words and newfangled vocabulary hurts our head, we're living off of public school doctrinarian here.

Crowdsourcing our glutton is a luxury we've been allowed throughout the years of exorbitant wars and debts. Cecil, a Columbian drag racer, is taking full advantage of the freedoms of the US. 

Throughout his first 22 weeks in the states he had bought $1,400 worth of illegal fireworks, claiming he was preparing to put together a "Flea Market Disneyland" until COVID hit and he instead used them to pay off his withstanding debts to the recently probed unlicensed IPA dispensary. His newest entrepreneurial endeavor was sparked from the depths of his cable box. As he saw glizzy's downed by the bunches it sparked his creative side, with his Independence day upcoming, he wanted a path in which to unify. 

July 20th put into motion his 1st Annual Craigslist Invitational Glizzy Gobbler Games. The winner would receive the Weiner Waist Belt, 8 bun length dogs casted in pure bronze, held together with the sinew of squirrel hide created in the garage of Rodrigo from the local Abercrombie & Fitch. The portly built fellow would receive a cost-free entry within the competition for his labor, all others requiring a payment of 12 Cherry Bombs and 2 M-80's. 

At the time the vying opposition arrived at the abandoned Papa Johns parking lot on Oak Street, Cecil had been procuring scrap metal for a "surprise". The tables had long been set up and Cecils wife was assembling the platters of phallic franks, you know women be cookin', amirite? 

The competition kicked off at the top of the 2 o'clock hour and juices were flying. Jenny from accounting quickly bowed out, furious after learning the hot dogs were neither vegan nor gluten-free. 

Rodrigo begun to eclipse the competition with relative ease, seemingly running away with it at the benefit of his seemingly revolting strategy of half Hennessy, half Mike's Hard Lemonade dipping solution. As could be imagine though, he soon after hit a wall, stumbling seemingly unbeknownst into the plastered over cardboard cutout of Papa John himself. 


Timothy Robbins, the town Karate sensei wore a t-shirt brandishing the slogan 'Mind over Matter', sadly the 5'6 Timmy topped out at 5 and three quarters dogs before bowing gracefully towards his leftover spread and thanking Isabell to his left for gracing him with her presence. Isabell, performing at a moderate pace, had one glance at the beads of moisture wicking from Tim's unkempt unibrow and yacked suddenly onto his authentic Japanese Kimono. 

Recent Trenton, New Jersey transplant and former professional athlete Ronald Curry was in attendance and by the time the 14th and final participant had arrived, the Vegas moneyline was overwhelmingly favoring Ronald. However many are questioning the legitimacy of his attendance because he seemingly had not one iota of interest in being there. As if Cecil desired legitimacy for his event and hypothesized that a former NFL player with close to 200 career receptions and unrecognizable to the masses would skyrocket his approval rating within the competitive eating scene to new heights.


Many soon knew it'd be a 3 man race between Jesse, a self proclaimed "street entrepreneur", Rodrigo and Salazar. Salazar was quiet throughout the days leading up to event, leaving many to question who he was and if this international man of mystery was indeed a real threat. Unbeknownst to them all, Salazar was a preeminent extra throughout telenovela's throughout the late 2000's and early 2010's. He desired fame and with his unique striding gate his gelatinous figure loomed large. 


Jesse, a frequent at the local waterpark, seemed hungry for the title. Both literally and figuratively as his glazed over eyes constantly veered towards the WWB (Weiner Waist Belt). At the 8th minute mark of the 10 allotted, we were tied at 9 a piece as Salazar and Jesse distended guts and all, were eyes on the prize full steam ahead. 


It was at this time Cecil showed up from his construction project with a chair seemingly made from just garden shovels. Thrown off by his emergence, Salazar slowed down considerably, finishing only another single frank. Jesse unfazed by his surroundings both now and in general, was the first annual Columbian Independence Weiner Waist Belt Champion.

As time expired, Cecil took a deep breath as he had been preparing for this moment for weeks. He stood, found his center of gravity, lifted his newly forged throne above his head, and proclaimed "Can you dig it sucka!?". He was met with raucous jeering and a sentiment floating around that this was all a mockery. 
Salazar scoffed, unimpressed by these childish antics. He hopped in his newly refinanced Kia Sorrento and skirted out the lot. Rodrigo looking double caked up on a Monday evening, rode home with Cecil as he was clearly in no condition to be alone. Ronald Curry, offended by the presumption he was related to the character from Paddington Bear, was gone by the 6th minute of the competition and Jenny was furiously scouring Google for the "Glizzy Gobbler Games Human Resources Department". 

Fast forward to 2 PM, July 22nd and members of the contest have since been informed Cecil and Rodrigo fled the country with the 156 Cherry Bombs and 24 M-80's. The investigation as to their whereabouts is unsolved and the only remaining object within Cecil's house is his shovel chair. 

As for the others, Cecil's wife ran off with Jesse, and Mr. Robbins dojo continues to be a hot bed for incels and tyrannized children across the county. Isabell has been formally entered into a psychiatric facility, and Ronald Curry moved back to Trenton sighting irreparable damages. 

Tuesday, July 21, 2020

This Picture Is The Cause Of All Known Illnesses Throughout Human History

Why? Who decided to waste time making this? Next question, if you're going to put the time and effort into making this, shouldn't it be funny? The gauge for humor was shattered on the internet long ago, allowing painfully incompetent people the ability to craft up agony inducing content and create a career from it. 

I've never quite seen something this unabashedly painful though. 

Everything from the premise of two professional athletes communicating like suburban fathers of 4 who spend their days monitoring the equipment at a Planet Fitness, to the drubbed over ketchup jokes. 

I desperately wish for the day when the internet becomes funny again. A man can dream. 

Monday, June 1, 2020

Another Proposal In NBA Basketball Coming Back

1 word. Heelys. Wait what, the single wheeled foot accessory resembling a shoe? Oh yes, the very same, Tess. No longer are we forced to be rooted in the wheel-less shoe game, it used to be Jordan's were the fashionable shoe to hoop in. But time's change and so does footwear. 

While this may seem like a pitiful gag and a dry attempt at humor I assure you, it is anything but. Are you really telling me you are against seeing NBA games in which they do not just "run" but skate? At the end of the day we all know how cool skating is, and to add that to the unique dynamics of an NBA game? Well that'd be just electric. 



I can not assure you that "player safety" is at the forefront of this proposal but don't we as fans deserve some input into the proposals on the return of basketball? After all, our viewership does pay the players salaries. And so, instead of something unimportant like our opinions on fake crowd noise versus not...why shouldn't we force them to hone another important life skill and skate? 

The NBA wants to overtake the NFL and become the king of sports leagues, do they not? Okay, well what other league skates on two wheels whilst playing their sport? Think about it, no other league is so well set up for this. The NFL or FΓΊtbol? Well, skating on grass is near impossible. The MLB? They're run by the dumbest man alive for one and two, the little pebbles would get stuck in the wheels, surely leading to disaster.

I'm not one to pat myself on the back because although i'm smarter than the majority, I like to remain humble in stature and social ranking. However, this proposal is the so called "bell of the ball" when it comes to boosting a sports respective viewership and if any other league was to be interested in delving deeper into this topic...I am available through DM on Twitter @BKSTUSSY, and don't get it twisted, I certainly CAN be bought.

By the way, pyramids are fake as fuck...don't let yourself be convinced otherwise.

Saturday, May 23, 2020

Saturday Sillies x Ep 1

If you're here to say I am stealing this idea from Tyler, i'm here to say you're a fool and a disgrace to your family. This blog series is very clearly called Saturday Sillies, whilst his is called Friday Favorites...there's simply no correlation. Anyone saying otherwise is reaching like Mr. Fantastic.

Now that that's been explained for some of the low IQ folks, this will be the best tweets i've seen recently. When they're from, none of MY concern...they're new to me. 


Hopefully Friday was eventful and provided some laughs even. It's Saturday morning and as a responsible adult, I will partake in the civic duty of eating an entire box of Lucky Charms whilst watching some toons of the car. I enjoy a good Higglytown Hero or Little Bill rewatch every once in a while, as a treat.  

How often will this series be posted? Your guess is as good as mine, once a week...maybe, once a month...maybe. We'll just have to see where the ocean takes us. 

These will be from the first three weeks of May, they gave me a hardy chuckle at the time and i'm hoping from the bottom of my heart they're able to do the same for you. If they don't? You simply have no sense of humor and will die alone! No pressure though. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~f     a     n     c     y      t     r     a    n     s     i     t    i     o     n~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- As a Yankees fan, I don't see the point of this. This clearly isn't really Giancarlo Stanton. So are you just making light of a clearly struggling family to throw shade at an INJURED player? All for what? A few laughs? Jared is a bully, plain and simple. 


Death is not something to joke about. As someone who has a dead relative, I think I speak on behalf of the dead, and so when I say you should get some therapy I mean it "bro".


- Many were saying this simply wasn't funny and that these nerds should stay in their place. But not me, I would never. As a scholar and someone who believes in the values of education, I think Mr. Tyson is obviously just teaching us what jokes should look like in a civilized society. Not a single curse word or nasty language in sight, can your "Chappelle's" do THAT? Questions are being asked. 




- Jay is being a real dick here. How do you expect her to make more shitty reality television without a wannabe Kardashian mansion? And you want her to pay for it too? In this economy? Having your own TV show isn't what it used to be. Man up Jay, stop being lazy and "spending time with your kids". Making 120M is cute and all but resting on your laurels and "enjoying your life" is how you end up with health issues like Diabetes. It's time to fasten up the bootstraps and pour some cement like a real man. 



- I don't even have any way to spin this, our country is fucked and it's hilarious.



- I've always been scared to ask my pals what their favorite member of the chex mix band was. It's such an intimidating task and changes everything about our relationship. I'm glad this girl managed the confidence to bring this to the big bad wolf of the internet. Arguing about pieces of cereal over the internet is how we all thought the year would go. please let us outside we're going insane.



- Is this where we're heading as people? Oh. So because we've only heard the guy say few complete sentences with no interest in fun...we've completely written him off? I like to imagine Kawhi will have a very successful Bill Walton-eque post NBA announcing career. Maybe i'm just an optimistic good person unlike the rest of you hooligans. 



- Where do I send my donation?


- Look they love to make fun of the Jack man, here's what I say. You don't biohack so your opinions are irrelevant. How many times have you spent an hour in a 0ΒΊ ice bath? 

- I remember the stories my pops would tell me about Kareems '89 season with Clyde down in the H. What a duo.


- UH BADDA BING!


Enjoy the rest of your weekend pals, thanks for readin'. 

Thursday, May 21, 2020

Shut the FUCK UP About Dak Prescott

When you see shit like this? Remember who's the one leaking it. This is all coming from the Dallas Cowboys front office, very obviously. Why, you may ask?

What does the Cowboys camp have to gain vs. What does Dak's camp have to gain?

Dallas Camp 

- Makes Dak out to be unreasonable, despite not leaking the guaranteed money...Hmm, convenient...to say the least.

- When they eventually keep him on the franchise tag for this year, they can point to this and say "look at this deal, we tried our hardest!!!". 

- They leaked a "45M" number because it looks eye-popping, even though, compared to Russ Wilson's in 2023 it's only 6M more. Not that outrageous! 

Dak's Camp

- Ab-so-lute-ly posi-tive-ly NOTHING. Scroll Twitter today, his public perception right now...not great! 
Owners continuing to cry poor, a tradition as old as time itself. 

There's also another chance that Chris Simms is and always has been a complete fraud who's able to skate by like he has real sources because he's friends with one NFL coach...that might be more realistic honestly. 

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

NFL QB's I Continue to Believe In (For No Good Reason)

Every draft since about 2014, I do my share of diggin' around on some prospects, mainly of the Quarterback variety. Perhaps you've heard of them? They're the ones who throw the ball. Anywho, over the years i've never once missed on who I thought would be good. And so that's the point of this blog, to point out just how fucking smart I am...*sigh* brother I wish. Sadly no one bats 1.000, however some people are able to move on from their misses...me? I continue justifying their failures and sell myself on false promise. Lets dive in, shall we? 

Marcus Mariota

I'm not saying he's going to steal Derek Carr's job...I'm also not, not saying that he'll be the opening day QB for the Raiders. Despite his shoulder and throwing arm looking like shredded cheese, I refuse to believe the QB we all saw at Oregon ended up flaming out in the NFL. My soul, and my dignity, simply can not let that be the case. 

Perhaps, the Oregon Jersey and dark visor combination made everything he did look much cooler. At the same time though, he won a Heisman at just 20 years old and had a TD:INT ratio of 10.5:1 and made it to the Natty out of the PAC-12, something nobody has come even close to doing since. His supporting cast on offense that year had only one, count it (1) current NFL player...Despite the 5 years of mediocrity, getting his job stolen by a tall white local Nashville resident via Miami (who I refuse to name, as to not hurt myself any further), I will never admit I was wrong. If you think I was wrong, maybe you're the wrong one...ever think of that, pal? Huh? Well have ya? 

I'm definitely wrong and this will only come back to bite me.

Will Grier

Should it of been a red flag when I learned his brother was a vine star, much more famous than him? Perhaps. 

Should it be a red flag that he completed less than 54% of his passes while throwing for 0 TD's and 4 INT's when given playing time last season? Maybe.

Will I let it disrupt my unwavering, unsupported, and undoubtedly biased evaluation of him coming out of West Virginia? No, no I will not. 

The truth of the matter is that he is far too cool to fail. You want stats and "proof" and that mumbo jumbo? I point to the fact that he wore a visor, took steroids and was supremely cocky in the BIG-12. That matters too, people. 

What's that old saying? Men Lie, Numbers lie, being cool doesn't? Something like that. Will Grier, very cool.

Jerod Evans

"Who is this?" You may ask? How dare you. You're looking at future Eagles starting QB Jerod Evans, bub. Despite never being able to earn a starting job in the Arena Football League, much less crack an NFL roster...everyone else is wrong about him and he just hasn't gotten his shot to shine. 

He was far from a bum at Virginia Tech, in fact he led his team to the always prestigious Belk Bowl and overcame a 24 point deficit to drive his team to victory. In the same season, oh yes, the very same...he set school records in passing TD's, passing yards and completion percentage...WHILST running for 800 yards and 12 TD's. 

I say that all to say this.
 
There was definitely NO point in time after the 2017 Draft where I said he would steal Carson Wentz job. Any evidence supporting otherwise is photoshopped and fake...He would've though, just came down with a foot injury during rookie minicamp. Sometimes, it's just the luck of the draw. Minor setback for a major comeback, Kurt Warner was an AFL QB who went undrafted as well...people don't like to talk about that. Are Jerod Evans and Kurt Warner kindred souls? I'm not saying they aren't. 

Future HOF Jerod Evans.

Monday, May 18, 2020

Michael Thomas is Supremely Corny


It's Team Devante all the way, no doubt. If you're constantly the first one to parade around your own stats, you're doin' it all wrong fella.

It took one (1), letter from Parker for Mickey Mouse Mike to take a hypothetical EXTREMELY SERIOUSLY. My guy, Devante Parker is trapped in his house like us all just messing around on Insta, you don't gotta treat this like World War 3. 

His voice is hysterically funny, you can't lie
and say it isn't. I simply won't allow it. 

Michael Thomas went to Ohio State, his uncle is Keyshawn Johnson and he plays with Drew Brees for Sean Payton. Name a receiver who's had better a better situation coming into the league in the last 10 years? 

It doesn't make people like you more to say how good you are. In fact! It actually does quite the opposite. I'd have no reason to dislike Michael Thomas if not for how he acted on social media. 

Thomas went to the Jerry Rice School of Corniness and is passing with flying colors...unsettling to say the least. 

You're force-fed targets unlike any other receiver and accumulate a lot of regular season counting stats. 

Imagine if Marques Colston did some shit like this? 

Imagine making $20 Million Dollars a year, living in New Orleans and still being on social media complaining all day? Couldn't be me.

The NFL Trying to Implement Facemasks Is Fucking Hilarious

Roger Goodell is just so fucking stupid, the fact this is reality and not an Onion article...speaks to just how dumb he truly is. 
Yes, in a game where players are constantly tackling and huddling up, the face-masks will definitely prevent the Rona. Do you think Adam Silver would EVER come out and say "Players will be required to wear N-95 masks while playing."...If you've ever experienced wearing an N-95 mask that shit is uncomfortable, itchy and makes it harder to breath. Not to mention, no one can hear shit you say while wearing one. Perfect for football players!
"For a player like that, getting the helmet off, putting a mask on right afterwards, maintaining social distancing when not in the field as much as possible, using single-use hydration, whether water, Gatorade, whatever it might be -- I mean, just every little detail,"
This shit ain't gonna work. Accept the risk for what it is and if players decide against playing, go from there. These are just gimmicks at the end of the day.

"Good thing we got these masks fellas, don't wanna catch the big Rona!"
The future Roger Goodell wants.

Trying to take steps to ensure the players are safer whilst playing is good and well but if they're impractical and laugh out loud satirical...not sure that's a great use of time, Rodg! 

Friday, May 15, 2020

A Good 'Ol Top 5 WR's Ever (hint: Jerry Rice Was Not Involved)


A Classic Top 5 To Start Off The Weekend. 


AHHHHHHHH shit here we go. It's the age old debate...it'll lose you limbs in some towns and gain you a free drink or two in others. Here. We. Go.

#5- Julio Jones

Just a brriiiieeeeef fyi, if you're over the age of 40 and are unable to accept change.....just exit out of this. If Julio isn't in your top 8-10, you're simply just wrong. Moving on.....If Julio had a higher TD% he might be in my top 3, for now he's at 5 and i'm sure he's just devastated. 

Believe what you want about PFF, but as someone with no NFL team I find them very reliable and accurate on most things. With that being said, to essentially have the best career of any reciever they've ever graded...pretty telling, Jim! 


Outside of a lil ol' fella they called Mr. Moss (no one called him that but alas), what other receiver at his height and weight can or could do this? An answer to that question may be answered later, maybe not though. Who knows?


So answer me this pal, how the fuck is this possible? 


This is the best catch in Super Bowl history, i've said it before and I will continue until I am proven incorrect. Tyree was incredible, Edelman's was nuts, Santonio Holmes has an argument....Julio just had a better catch...Game, set, match.

#4- Antonio Brown

One of my biggest worries with how the past year has gone for Antonio Brown, is people will forget how good a receiver he was. He doesn't have that one play which immediately pops when you hear his name and he doesn't have the physically imposing stature that reminds you of his dominance a la the others on this list. His route running, hands, consistency and durability and pure dominance were top tier and shouldn't be lost to time. 



#3- Calvin Johnson

Can I just take a minute to say, FUUUUUCKK, the Detroit Lions for wasting this guys career. In 10-20, years no kid is gonna know about just how unreal Megatron was, because he wasted away under incompetence from the top down. To put it simply there was nothing Calvin couldn't do, the fact he retired early ain't none of my business. You would of done the exact same thing, don't lie.

If you haven't already, plan your evening around this video and the rabbit hole it takes you down. Order a pizza, get a cigar, light a blunt...whichever you choose to partake in and enjoy your night. No chance you regret it, and if you do...well, thats your fault and your fault only.


#2- Terrell Owens

The way the media portrays T.O is the way it should portray Sir. Stickum, is quite simply a crime. You'd never guess he retired top 2 in Receiving Yards and Receiving Touchdowns. He was Antonio Brown before Antonio Brown but with worse QB play, and oh yeah, he was 6'3 230. 

You can love 'em or hate 'em, doesn't affect me. Fact is he belongs on this list. 

Oh yeah, and the fact that he wasn't a first ballot Hall of Famer, is a crime and there needs to be a serious investigation into the decrepit old men who do the voting.


#1- Randy Moss

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha if you expected an explanation on this one you're sorely mistaken. I got 4 letters for ya...G-O-A-T. 'Nuff Said.





Thursday, May 14, 2020

Quinton Dunbar and Deandre Baker are Bored Too


4 Counts??? God damn man, these dudes linked up bored as hell...and decided out of all their options....they were gonna hit a lick 4 times as professional athletes and get away with it. I NEED that type of confidence man. 

These two presumably know each other from their hometown around Miami, but it's still a random ass pairing of people. Baker went to Georgia from 2015-2019 and Dunbar left the University of Florida in 2015, not exactly crossing paths. 

This dude might be the most confident, cocky player in NFL History...for both the best and worst of ways. On the bright side, he was PFF's #2 rated corner last season....On the sliiiiightly negative side, he had to really think he was gonna get away with this to go and TALK TO THE MEDIA the VERY NEXT MORNING
A direct quote from the presser, 
"You just want to feel wanted at the end of the day.... I just hope to repay them with the way I carry myself as a person."
...that's called foreshadowing, folks. Do ya think he knows, he mighta made some typa mistake?

Both teams released bullshit PR statements saying they don't know whats going on, and basically, that they won't harbor fugitives.




Gonna take a wild shot in the dark here...both will be released from their teams within 24-48 hours and release statements apologizing.



My guess is that it's Baker...a bit younger, more scared and more eager to do whatever he can to get a second shot in the league. Good luck, bubba.

Today I Learned That Paris Hilton Had A Sex Tape

With John Henry here 12 years older than me, there's surely some things he knows in which I've never been brought to the light on...