The Indisputable List Of The Worst Names On The Planet

Personally, I hate my fucking name. If there's one thing I resent my parents for it's for being fucking nerds and giving me the most caucasian name imaginable. You think your name is bad? "Brady? Like 'The Brady Bunch'?". When my name is thought of, the first thing running through peoples acorn shell is a 1969 sitcom with seemingly only white people throughout. 

So to deflect from my own pain and anguish, what do I do? Well I project it onto others of course. I've scrubbed through the depths, high and low to find names in which make me feel grateful to sound like a segregationist by name, rather than the alternative options.

If I included your name in this, just remember that it's 100% an indictment on you and if your parents cared about your long-term outlook whatsoever they would've thought things through a little deeper.

Gretchen

Disgusting and despicable, I have no science to back defend this claim--however i'd venture to guess suicide rates amongst Gretchen's is the highest you'll find. The angriest woman alive, she's got no choice but to be! Starting names with a G is a risky proposition to begin with but to follow it up with such a fowl sounding scent? The most popular Gretchen is currently the governor of Michigan, further proving my point that there's nothing but misery in this demographic.  Take one look at her Twitter and you'll desire a bullet through YOUR temple from the incessant whining and complaining.

Thank you to my friends at @SharkWeek for the swag! 🦈 pic.twitter.com/5QoBVh3QNn

— Governor Gretchen Whitmer (@GovWhitmer) August 22, 2020

Eagle: 1
EGLE: 0 https://t.co/wdEFrojsKH

— Governor Gretchen Whitmer (@GovWhitmer) August 13, 2020

Perhaps i'm "a fucking dumbass" (so I've been told by those closest to me) or "out of touch" but can politicians just....not tweet? They must realize by now that no one with a conscionable sense of humor find anything they say remotely funny? Back to the issue at hand, Gretchen is a DISGUSTING fucking name and belongs in the 'Hall of Adolph' for names taken out of circulation. If you need anymore convincing, just take a stroll over to google and find out what Tucker Carlson's wife's name is--I rest my case.

Lolita

Absolutely revolting, as if the father was asked for the baby's name mid projectile vomit. Lolita works as a front desk receptionist or as a cashier at the Mexican Food Mart, never another occupation in which a "Lolita" has been qualified for. Does that sound racist? Not sure--but it shouldn't because I've met chalky Caucasian's donning the namesake, and they're even worse, no human deserves the burden of that bullshit. They're likely only working as a receptionist or cashier due to the sole fact they were forced to get emancipated at 16, out of pure fucking hatred for their repulsive predecessors. Every Lolita is 15-50 pounds overweight with a bio on Tinder which reads, "Looking for a Sugar Daddy 😋💦👏" and despite their apparent lack of anything which benefits society they have the confidence of a swimsuit model. All the power to them, female empowerment-- just keep them far from me, for I will be forced to puke from the scent of Hot Cheetos and clearance rack perfume radiating from their pores. 

Pearl

Has anyone ever hated a cartoon character as indefinitely as I've despised the Demogorgon whale from Spongebob? The epitome of trust fund children with an ego larger than her bulky, teetering cranium--always whining about something despite the fact she has no obligations throughout all of her existence. As you can see, this is where my disdain began...it's only become exacerbated throughout my 20 painstakingly miserable years on this planet, as every Pearl is the whitest female in existence constantly bitching about "the environment" and "plastic consumption". 

 

Please, enlighten me--Why do you idiots want to save the planet? Do you realize how fucking stupid humans are? Do you see the state of society? And you want it to go on LONGER than necessary???? What fucking morons, let our children drown to death while countries drown one by one--if they're smart they'll learn how to swim, we've had underwater societies before and if your demon seed offspring is as "special" as you think, they'll figure something out. As for you? Just shut the fuck up, you're being a burden to society. 

Sapphire

Tip for all upcoming parents out there, if you desire for your child to aspire to work at a gentlemen's club? Sapphire is a terrific name. Because that's best case scenario, worst case? She meets a 22 year old senior named Gerry and is living in a tent commune under the Delaware turnpike, losing an average of 3 teeth a year. Is that what you want for your little bundle of joy? No? Then stop being a flower child gypsy and give her a normal name like Julia or even fucking Brittney, if you must make her life an utterly miserable existential crisis. 

Stop naming children after rocks, I'm talking to you Catherine, pondering naming the endured pain of the last 10 months "Diamond".

Mallory 

After about 1844 it would have been wise for one of our abundance of presidents to have outlawed this bullshit. This may be the worst because there's been those who believe is somehow sounds "beautiful". Imagine that, imagine thinking a name in which could be the predecessor to some plague was "fetching and cute!". Within all these names is one common theme, parents who were severely neglected as children themselves-- they who shouldn't of been permitted the privilege of birthing children. It's really not an indictment on those holding the burden of said name, as much as it's a substantial declaration of early onset child abuse.