You'll Never Love Something As Much As Doug Loves Dungeons And Dragons

At the end of the day, Tyler said it best. Just log off if you get offended. Easy, simple.

Hahahahahahahaha How The Fuck Is Cyber Bullying Real Hahahaha Nigga Just Walk Away From The Screen Like Nigga Close Your Eyes Haha

— Tyler, The Creator (@tylerthecreator) December 31, 2012

Now that I've harbored my transgressions towards the little blue bird with you, we can get to Doug. Doug is a simple being, he's enthralled with the mysticality of Dungeons and Dragons and considers it his grand escape from the burdens of life as we all know it. Now imagine how pumped little Dougy was when the biggest sports podcast on the planet decided to show love to his once maligned board game thought of for geeks and those of the frail boned. He could not contain his excitement, he ran to Brian's Big Box Bank (a corner store, Brian just LOOOVES pussy), hooting and hollering. Brian, lip chalk full of long cut Copenhagen debated murdering Doug but behind that rough bigoted exterior is a capitalist needing to make rent, and Doug was going all out tonight. As he walked home with many bags of Funyans and 6 total liters of Code Red Mountain Dew, Mr. Petty's face lit up like Josh Gordon on a Friday Night. 

As a man of Christ, of course you know he had to show his support for Wide Dog and company. And guess what? The boys DID bring back D&D, is all credit for that to the account of Doug? I wouldn't say it's NOT to the account of Doug. Everyone needs positive reinforcement after all, even Dan "Squirrel King" Katz and Ben Carson's arch nemesis. 

This was the best stretch of Doug's young adult life, ever since he began having to pay room and board whilst working part time at Applebee's, he and his father's relationship has become tumultuous. Father Petty, better known as Kurt, had begun feeling fed up with the obsession of D&D--constantly calling his son a, and I quote "fucking nerd". See Kurt is what we like to call an alpha male-- if it's not wings, beer, titties or sports? You can bet your bottom dollar he's gonna call it gay and if that's not "politically correct" enough for you? He's gonna blow a viscous black cloud of diesel smoke in the face of your environmentally conscious car whilst he drives off in his 3 foot lifted Dodge Ram 1500, surely not compensating for anything. This Dungeons and Dragons was Doug's salvation in form of grown men in satire laced cosplay--he wouldn't let ANYTHING take this from him. 

FUCK, NOOOOOOOOO. Doug, don't do anything rash. Please, it's gonna be alright. Yes, you're a social pariah without any familial support and a job cleaning up after grown men calling themselves Big Al but it will be back, you just have to believe! After a week spent cascading at rapid speeds into a flood of despair, Doug on one fine Wednesday morning woke up to a slew of rapid notifications coming from his Dungeons and Dragons Discord, in which they call 'Rogues Love Leather' (a hilarious meme in their community so shut the fuck up). Pardon My Take had brought D&D back, and guess what? An entire hour this time. If you didn't know Doug, you'd be led to believe that he was MDMA impaired because the happiness in which he carried within his Michelin Man like cheeks held enough joy to end world hunger. 

The legend of Doug burned bright and fast, he felt recognition from the most accomplished of podcasters and to an intellectual incel such as he? That's all he needed in life. From that day, July 1st 2020? Doug vanished, no comments, no demands, no racist comments on various reddit forums....just...nothing. 

There's been more D&D, has he consumed said content? One thing you know about Doug by now, if there's a single poof of oxygen in those lungs, that ear porn will be heard by one Doug Petty. Some say he perished in a Dungeons & Dragons game of his own that very night, when the man he believed to be his best friend turned on him, posing as a serpent he viciously ended Doug, appropriately dappered down in his finest Neo-Nazi paraphernalia. Among those I talk to they believe he drown himself in the local waterpark, but personally I believe he and Brian ran off. Think about it, crying and down Doug heads into Brian's Big Box Bank, Brian sees the wardrobe which lies within all his sexual fantasies? It's just math, of course Brian is still straight, I mean, he LOOOVVES pussy and have you seen his truck? He and Doug are just gonna do mouth stuff, nothing more, nothing less.