Satire & Sports: Why Don't Parents Shoot Their Children? It's Clearly The Only Logical Punishment

As a wee lad, during time spent vacant from the monkey bars and teeter totter, I indulged my premature and surely malleable noggin in the bloodsport of medieval cosplay. I loved seeing the smug look upon all the mid-aged fucking nerds face when I showed up fully outfitted in a Barney Halloween costume, complimented by a Nerf foam sword. What were they gonna do? Kick an innocent 8 year old slightly obese child out of a fair?

Once in said fair, I became the biggest menace this side of the Tekamah City Bridge. All the attention was on this 4 foot childhood hero and for what I lacked in patience, I made up for with the tenacity of a dolphin on a rampant rape spree. Every penny of my middle-classed $15 allowance was spent on turkey legs used to peg the shelterless simps, trying to innocently go about their escape from reality.

Needless to say, I was swiftly removed from the premise of the 12,000 square foot park. Now you may be asking yourself, "why the fuck do I care about any of this?". Good question, here's the kicker! As punishment, I never received anything quite harsh enough to discourage me from continuing to tyrannize innocent incels.

My parents, through all their alternative routes decided their best option as discipline was the role of a mother cat to a kitten. While their teeth didn't possess the strength to lift my limp 4 foot, 105

pound corpse, my fathers rosecea ridden meat hook made me feel like Simba after traveling to the shadowy place. As time wore on however, this retribution did nothing to me. This begs the quesion, how did I turn out?

Well let's take a look at the facts.

Surely brain damaged
Likely immensely depressed
No motivation towards life
Unable to hold a meaningful relationship
Making up belligerent lies in long-form writing in order to get a single point across.

What should my parents have done? Take a look at the cops all around the country! You know what doesn't lose it's effectiveness after one or two endeavors? Shoot your child.

If I didn't want to be shot? Well it's simple, I shouldn't have performed a minor inconvenience in the lives of these people sworn to protect me. After all, it's their world and i'm just living in it. I wouldn't be here talking fowl about the feline frenzy of a household I grew up in if my father was a real alpha and handled his issues the masculine way--gun in hand, discharging when I dare disobey minor directives.

You may be saying to yourself, "wow, this is enlightening. why don't parents employ this strategy?". To you I say, most people happen to not need to cause life threatening injuries or death in order to do their simple job. Another reason may be, they care about their children.

This story, much like what's happening in our society to people of color, makes no fucking sense.