Ban Smoke Alarms

As a strong alpha male, one full of stew and void of any matronly accessories garnering my woolly wrists.  You see, I'm a real man, one proud of his infinity for a woman's jelly roll-- if you know what I mean. Hehe, you know what I mean. I haven't given in to the mainstream media's feminizing tactics, men painting their nails, chockers, male rummpers and such. So when I describe my uneqivocal disdain for the tarzanination of smoke alarms all across America, you musn't describe me as a snowflake nor a dirty liberal-- my self esteem couldn't handle such harsh terms. 

More American males now wear bracelets than eat stew

— Adam Carolla (@adamcarolla) August 13, 2020

You see smoke alarms are a lot like women, if they're going off on you there's no ability to drown it out, you must deal with it. No one wants to hear that shit, I don't need a WOMAN's input and I sure as hell don't need to be taking a smoke alarms shit. I know that there's smoke, and if there's fire it's already too late-- much like if some broad waisted girly is nagging me, I already know she found out about my beastiality kink. What gives her the right to be angry? Does she not appreciate the fire I start for her every night? Or the countless pounds of Venison I bring home every month? I let her foster my own children despite her being a woman and all. To say I'm contributing to the patriarchy is a plain fib, I'm as big a womans rights activist as Susan B. Anthony herself. To say because I don't allow her to have a job, that I'm "repressing her freedoms" would be outright bullshit-- she doesn't want to feel validated or valued, she's a woman! Did women ever work in an automative factory in 1920's Detroit? OHHHH, they didn't! I don't get your logic here, we gave them the right to vote-- what else do they desire?

Okay so when I talk about the incestant fucking blinking of this smoke alarm, you must know that it's neither rooted in sexism nor sensitivity. It's with the ferocity and rapid pace of a dainty bit trying to rid her contact laden eyes of some shrubbel, at least a blink per second-- a lesser, more popsy man would seize instantly. If these technologically impractical pieces of shit would let you acknowledge that there, is in fact smoke and press an off switch, I wouldn't be writing this hit piece. My ears can't handle it, my years of listening to my lifted diesel babe pumping CO2 by the gallon and Toby Kieth's debut album 'Toby Kieth', has rendered my deaf in one ear-- coinsigdentally that's the ear that heard all these liberals bullshit, hahahahaha got they're asses. MY president grabs pussy not turn it into a personality trait!!!

When I was in high school, there was this one murky August evening in which I was at a buddy Brad's tailgate in the Hobby Lobby parking lot-- so I was blowing Kellyanne Conway's back out when suddinly all I could hear was the roaring, raucous even, sound of a blazing fire alarm. Some damn snowflake lit the Hobby Lobby ablaze, and they complain about my envirenmantle carban footprint, dumb hypocrips. That's where my lifelong battle with alarm systems began, before then I'd just yell back at them with my very own beeping sound-- no inananamint object is gonna show me up! After my ear betrayed me and those damn vaccine pushing devils wanting to put some robot in my ear, I stopped going to Doug's Ford Focus behind the Starbucks forever. Needless to say that my resentmint for them damn alarms is pulpible. If all these damn commies can get 100 grand on their gofundme's for "social injuictist" can I get 50k on mine to rid society of a menace to us all? 

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I'm just a red meat chomper and am tired of people caring about the damn oozing layer, maybe if you damn estrobros stopped drinking so much Silk and corn, we'd be able to drive a compensation truck without these wheatgrass wimps whining. What kinda pollution are smoke alarms respansible for, type me up them stats Bernie bros. Pol-itics, Pol-lution, damn and ya'll think climate change is real. Sad. 

Get me a 12 pack of Bud's and a screwdriver and I'll fix the damn environmint since everyone's so damn soft now, as long as we get the smoke alarms disbanded I'm in. Defund The Police? What happens when I need them for my safety after the fire alarm sends me into stroke rendorink me inmobbel? You want me to call an EMT? What's they're number? Cause I know 9-1-1's number. I'll be here all day simps.