Fellas,,,Is It Emasculating To Say "Yay"?

It's with great sorrow I must announce to the good people reading this here blog, I've become downright obsessed with my masculinity. From shaving my noggin' down to a buzzcut, all the way to my new found fixation with overalls and work boots. I must find a way to acquire the pussy women so gallantly decide to conceal from me, despite popular belief and my libido bordering upon that of an asexual cartoon character, I would enjoy someone desiring a good crayon sized punishment, via my penis every once in a while. It's been a long journey however, telling everyone you're gay as a 13 year old, for a smidge of attention-- well, it has a way of sticking with you despite claiming you were "joking". 

My claim to homosexuality as an early teen started as a deflection technique with my father, knowing that he, as an extremely straight man, would be flummoxed and begin questioning his own parenting. You see, I called my step-sister a slut, was I wrong? Well, no, but apparently "that's not how you talk to family", how was I supposed to know that? But, in the midst of getting belligerently screamed at, my standard weeping tactic wasn't working-- I needed something stronger. Now could I have chosen my deflection method with more acute thinking? Absolutely, but I was corpuscular off Prozac and couldn't for one second longer be chastised by this man, a man who quite frankly I still don't believe is my actual father. 

That chump is 5'8, 310 pounds where as I'm 5'11, 135 pounds-- someone explain to me how that works? It doesn't is the answer. Anyhow, after telling him this it quickly spread throughout the household, only then to quickly spread throughout my school, thanks to that vapid slut who begun this all. I let it breathe for many of years, as I was 4'11 and girls weren't exactly chasing after the white Gary Coleman, at that time. As I hit puberty, at 16, late in my junior year of high school however, the hair upon my cock began to crave womanly contact-- thus began the quest to convince others I was as straight as a #2 pencil. 

via GIPHY
It's been a long journey, full of a lot of stew, wrangler jeans and degrading of a variety of minorities. My latest dilemma however is, when texting with women, does saying "yay" take away from your upper-hand in the relationship? Everyone knows that men must be the dominating force in any type of romantic entrapment, so obviously you can tell, I'm in quite the dilemma. I can't have her thinking I'm a pussy, or that I won't abuse her shall she cross me whilst I'm boozing with my bros-- so what do I do? How do I express excitement? "That's awesome" makes me sound like a mundane 12 year old on Omegle, but "holy shit, that's sick" makes me sound like a beta boy, uninterested in her sexually. 

It's so hard to be a man, we have all of these societal constructs on how to behave ourselves during conversation with a woman-- and all of the sudden they want us to respect these people too? Am I a superhero? I'm so lost and out of control, nothing makes sense anymore-- we can't hang plainly racist flags any more and suddenly we have to eat Kale. I miss the days when men couldn't listen to anything but Keith Urban and drink Budweiser, while eating a bleu rare steak.  

For now, I'll just tell the lassies, "yay, but no homo" as to protect my superiority, and appear stronger than my spindly frame would lead you to believe.