A 5'8 265 Pound MLB Catcher Is The Role Model America's Been Yearning For

So...we're all fucked, no matter your political affiliation or where you stand on certain issues, you have to resign to the fact that there's nothing to look forward to or hold in reverence. Is this new, or perhaps is this something that's always been the case, and with increased media exposure we're finally seeing just how awful America actually is. Before you call me a "treacherous rebel" because you've been brainwashed to think democracy is good, just remember, I don't care. The thing is, you can't just live your life in misery, you have to find some type of entertainment or individual, to find solace in and enjoy. For most, they take this solace in religion, personally I think those people are fucking idiots, but no judgement here. 

MY God, however is a man named Alejandro Kirk, a rotund, thick king. A man who's been able to traverse through years of the minor leagues, without being forced to lose a single pound. A man who has never allowed a ball to pass his sex symbol physique, behind the dish. A man who, despite having a BMI residing in the morbidly obese range, is an MLB player. And not only is he just an MLB player, he made his debut at 21 years old-- meaning he's insanely talented and has a future in the league. Now THAT'S the best news of the year, the fact that we'll get 15 years of a compacted Bartolo Colon sliding back and forth behind the dish. Are you kidding me? Baseball IS the sport of the future, I'll agree with that lunacy now.

America's always trying to normalize a wide variety of unhealthy habits, including rampant obesity. No longer, can you point out someone being 5'1 255 pounds, and waddling like a penguin. It's now "fat shaming" and being "fat phobic". So, if you want a role model for these individuals outraged over all of Twitter? I've got the pudgy prince for you, let Alejandro be himself and rule over all of you slobs. 

Sure, he's only played one game and Toronto seems to have a catcher rotation they're comfortable in, with Jansen and McGuire. But if we've come to learn anything from the Jays front office, it's that they love a man with a tonka truck. Vladdy Jr. has stayed corpulent and they have no qualms, give Kirk his shot and let your 1st baseman and catcher look like baseball Costanza and Rosie O'Donnell-- for us? For the morale of all 200 million of us? Give us some good news before we're devastated in November, I know you're from Canada and all, but you could throw us a little bone. Cats can have a little salami, you know? 

 

Small sample size but does that matter? Aly Baby Thickums, has an on base percentage of .500 and an OPS+ of 135, is that good? For a catcher? I'd say so. He has no strikeouts and has worked a walk already, not to get dramatic, but if they sent him back down to the alternative site, I'll literally injure Josh Allen. Your move Buffalo.