Fuck, Marry, Kill-- The Last 3 Bachelorettes

So, is this better or worse than describing how I'd thoroughly penetrate various fruits and bar classic foods? Objectifying women rather than weirdly intricate reasoning on how I'd fuck a Chicken Nugget? Well, I'm uncertain but what I do know is that I enjoy the change of pace from cartoon dogs and Winnie The Pooh. 'The Bachelor' franchise is incredible television, the drama is unmatched by anything I've ever experienced-- their leads though, are typically mediocre looking white women and somehow lusted for by men on every steroid ever whipped up. Perhaps the franchise is taking a new direction with the leads, and giving people of color actual representation on television rather than just tokenizing Rachel Lindsay as their ability to say, "hey, you can't call us racist!!!". With this all said, I'm about to write the most smut blog in existence so, sorry! Gotta get these clicks somehow! 

The last three Bachelorettes are Rachel Lindsay, Becca Kufrin and Hannah Brown. Shall we delve into some of the worst content I'll ever produce? Lets. 

Fuck- Hannah Brown

I mean, she went 4 times in one night...in a windmill. If that isn't freaky, then Ben Shapiro isn't a belligerent incel. She's by far the most attractive of these three and has the athleticism to win Dancing With The Stars, if you know what I mean. Not that I'd ever be able to do anything meaningful with that athleticism but it's definitely a thing. Would I ever be able to go 4 times in one night or match the smoldering sex symbol who is Tyler Cameron? Alright funny guy, me and you both know no woman has ever been satisfied or impressed after talking to me, much less experiencing my Betty White like libido. This is my fantasy world though, I can control what women see, instead of them looking at my gaunt frame and immediately projectile vomiting? They can see only my gorgeous aquamarine bubble eyes and fall madly in love. 

1.) Hannah Brown drops the windmill line pic.twitter.com/4nntbLVAXh

— Stormi Rodriguez (@stormirdgz) October 23, 2019

Give me Hannah and 42 seconds and I'll be the happiest man alive. She may not feel anything but women can't experience pleasure from intercourse anyways. After, she can run back to her "male models" and "professional athletes", but for the duration of an NFL play clock I'll be within the 7th wall of heaven. 

Marry- Rachel Lindsay

There's really no winning here, both Lindsay and Kufrin are superiorly unattractive, in my modernized porn warped cranium. It comes down to their personalities, which apparently is a thing in relationships? Who would have known. Rachel is a bad ass and could probably put me in a chokehold, which I'm always looking for. She hosts a radio show on ESPN, and seemingly has a sense of humor. So as much as I'd despise looking at her Michael Strahanesque tooth gap, we could chop it up about LeBron's triple double and Lucas Giolito's no-hitter. I could belligerently annoy her about how I fantasize of an All-Chicago World Series, until she frustratedly punches me square in the jaw.

One of this biggest elements in marrying her though, is she's not white. Now I'm not virtue signaling and what I'm about to say isn't stereotyping in the slightest, but white women don't know how to season food. If I'm marrying someone and they'll be cooking for me, in any amount, I can't be eating pale chicken breast and boiled broccoli. 

Kill- Becca Kufrin

The deciding factor here though, Kufrin may be the most racist of the bunch-- and that's with Hannah "accidentally" spewing the N-word in a sing-a-long on Instagram Live. Kufrin knowingly got engaged to a Trump supporter who posts the same memes on his Instagram that your aunt plasters Facebook with, and that was seemingly no big deal. It was only until she actually faced public clapback for her decisions and a dip in Instagram followers that she broke off the engagement. No chance that was to save face on her own beliefs, just couldn't be-- she hosts a podcast with a black person you see!! She can't be racist or bigoted!! She's also just not captivating in any sense of the word, she's wonder bread and looks like every woman from Minnesota ever. I'm taking an AK to her temples and getting off for self defense, she clearly tried hoisting herself upon me-- women adore a gangly, angular man. 

Remember, take all of this to heart and never for one second, ever consider me to be joking around. It's not as though all these women are far out of my league, and if I ever graced their presence I'd be seconds away from fainting. 

Hey, at least these are real people! See you guys tomorrow, for what variation of FMK will we be partaking in? Animate or inanimate? Animal or human? Liquid or solid? We'll find out together in real time.