We Don't Talk Enough About Bryce Harper Being A Fucking MORMON

Did you know this???? The day I learned this seemingly classified information I was stunned, in awe even. I've long considered myself a fervent Bryce Harper fan, often taking his side in the ever long overrated/underrated debate. Batting average is a ancient stat that should be thrown away and I would just like the olds to recognize this and get with the times. Bryce Harper- very good at baseball, like everyone should want him on their team batting in the 2 hole good. But I mean WHAT THE FUCK? He's a Mormon! A dick soaking, no fun, alcohol is the devil, god frowns upon caffeine Mormon. I just can't comprehend this news, it's getting to me at a personal level.

Do you know how much you have to suppress this information to be as famous as Bryce Harper is and NO ONE knows about it?? How fucking guilty is this neanderthal? I remember the wedding pictures where it looked like he was getting married at the Ku Klux Klan Mansion but I didn't know he was a MORMON. 

If anything this is just a further testament to how sick of an actor Bryce Harper is! He comes off as "cool" and one of the faces of "new baseball" with his bat flips, his antics and his "accidental" helmet losses. There's no fucking chance Bryce likes doing those things, God looks down upon "fun" and everything that comes with Bryce's customized cleats. God is undoubtedly a big "unwritten rules" guy and Bryce defies them all. Is baseball his form of protest against God? Is he truly unable to be himself when not on a baseball field? Or is he trying to act cool because he knows, deep down, how fucking lame his religion is? I'll take the latter. 

Mormons donate 10% of all their earnings to the church, so just know 33 million is going straight to voice suppression and conversion therapy, Philly. Thank god Harper skipped college, because watching BYU baseball would have been the worst use of my time since that time I watched an entire Hockey game. I can't think of an athlete who is less of a fit for Philly after learning this news, and that's quite the dichotomy from when he was signed and he seemed like the prototypical Philly athlete. No self respecting Mormon is gonna throw batteries at Markelle Fultz after he misses 3 straight threes and buries his anxiety ridden head in the bench. 

Under Armour now officially has the lamest group of athletes in the world to represent any given sport. Steph Curry brags about having sex with his wife, undoubtedly the worst flex of all time. Tom Brady can't have a slice of pizza without breaking into anaphylactic shock. Bryce Harper hates gays and minorities. And if you consider Golf a sport, Jordan Spieth might be the worst golfer of all time, having not won a tournament since 2017. Some are saying it has to do with their founder being an incessant bigot, not me though, I have no comment on the matter. 

How does Harper ever play in a Sunday baseball game? That's the lords day. Every Mormon I've ever met, and one half of my family is loaded with 'em, don't even go to the grocery store on Sundays, let alone dive for pop-fly's. I mean, I'm no mathematician but I'm starting to think Harper might actually be an atheist claiming the Mormon religion for some pussy. Some Monday afternoon hypothesis' for you to ponder as you down another Natty Light and cuss out your children. Coffee, skipping church to beat the fuck out of Hunter Strickland, having long hair, performing in a flamboyant manner? Sounds like a rebellion to me.