Fuck, Marry, Kill- San Pellegrino, Perrier, Topo Chico

Classic gag between pals, FMK. Normally you'd hear names like Rihanna, Zendaya & Lady Gaga thrown out as the choices-- however me? As a beta male, we're gonna rank some fuckin' WATER! No Dasani or Fiji however, we're upscale over here on this side so of course we gotta have them bubbles in our shit. We're ranking sparkling water today. Let the hate flow, I'm a well hydrated boy and I'm proud. 

The options are simple, the classic and perpetual San Pellegrino, the snobbish bitch Perrier, and the prudish whore known as Topo Chico.

FUCK- Topo Chico

Now this was a real tough one, I debated my side piece long and hard because this is an utterly massive decision after all. Topo Chico could have the highest peaks and the lowest lows. A good bottle will change your life but a bad bottle can make you feel as though you're drinking straight from the Atlantic. I've certainly had more good than bad but for there to be that level of variability...it means something. Topo Chico is rising in popularity but it's still fairly shocking to find it in your standard gas station and as Billy Bob Belichick says, the best ability is availability. I'll certainly dick down a bottle of fine bottle of Mexican mineral water though, don't get it twisted-- just can't have her getting half when we inevitably split. 

MARRY- Perrier 

Now Perrier is a spicy bitch, she'll slap the fuck out of you if you forget to take the trash out and might peg you on occasion in the bedroom. The punch packed in that vivid green bottle is unrivaled in the sparkling H2O game, and it's available more readily than Topo Chico but not the whore of San Pellegrino-- sold everywhere like a Amsterdam prostitute. I've long fetishized a French accent so this is my chance to capitalize, I'm gonna wife the fuck outta this elitist lass. Condolences are with her because I'm surely gonna ruin every bit of her life. 

You see that bottle? That's a good old fashioned, set your watch to it, bottle of bubbly water. Look at that stout fucking base, she can take some roughing up. All guys claim to want a slim thick female? Look no further, pure sex.

KILL- San Pellegrino

I'll still smash down a case of San Pellegrino tallboys, but they're just the worse of the elite bubbly waters. They're available by the masses and have been largely ruined by the whites. Sparkling water in general actually, has been gentrified for the most part and it's just fucking despicable. Bubbly water should be an equal opportunity employer and is good for all. No one should be subjected to the dastardly standard spring water, it's just stale and boring-- life's too short to just drink hopped up tap water. Be a man, put some fucking bubbles in that shit. 

If you're looking for consistency, San Pellegrino blows Topo Chico out of the water and rivals Perrier in that department. I'm a volatile fella though and don't mind a good hit or miss fuck. I know what I'm gonna get from San Pellegrino and while Topo Chico might end up sucking dick with her teeth, I've had San Pellegrino before...Topo Chico could be anything.