Recapping My Fantasy Draft...Unless....No One Cares?

There I was...sitting with bated breathe in a dead sweat, it was a muggy September evening and silly old me indulged myself in a good old fashioned 12 team PPR snake draft. I had drawn the unlucky hand of the 10th overall pick, universally known as the worst position one could land, I was fucked. Drenched from pit to foot I was fuming and had a choice between Austin Eckler or Miles Sanders, I ran through all known analytics in my ingenious mastermind of a brain and came to my ultimate determination of one Austin Barkevious Alloecious Eckler. My fate was set and my stomach sank, the Chargers QB situation worries me and Keenan Allen may take the line share of targets-- "fuck!!!" I yelped, mortified of what my future held. 

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Are you still there? Have I not bored you to the depths of hell yet? Oh come on, that was at least a little more dramatic and enthralling than the typical Jimmy at the bar telling you about his fantasy team, no? I'm going to assume you just muttered about how it actually wasn't that bad because my self esteem simply can't handle someone insulting me. "Oh my god bro, I nabbed Kyler Murray in the 8th round!! I'm playing with idiots!", see it could have been worse. Much like gambling, fantasy is one of those things nearly everyone partakes in-- however no one cares about anything but their own roster. It's a spitting image of the world we live in today, people only care about themselves and would spit on you if they could without repercussion-- fantasy mimics reality. That was a fucking sick sentence, this brain just never stops churning out gems.

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Let's be honest here, I'm drawing this out for content but the true reason I wanted to write this beaut of a blog was to discuss my groundbreaking, trailblazer of a strategy I decided to implore this year. It's called drafting only players you hate watching and boy did I follow through, my team fucking sucks. I passed on known cool guys Joe Mixon and Tyreek Hill for the subdued and run of the mill Nick Chubb and major cornball JuJu Smith. I drafted two Bengals receivers because I really do despise myself and enjoy the torture. My QB's are Carson Wentz and Daniel Jones because to succeed in any field in America your leaders need to be supremely racist. And despite straying away from the domestic abuse in the first couple rounds, I picked up the king of striking women in Preston Williams for my bench. 

Was that any better? Is hearing someone drop quick quips on obscure NFL players not supremely interesting content to you? Well shucks, I'll just shut the fuck up now! Unless...? No....You wouldn't want to hear about why I took the Tampa Bay D/ST would you? You would! Well Steven Cheah, I'm so glad you could join me on this blog today! The Bucs were my poison of choice merely because I've had a long standing disdain for Vita Vea-- no reasoning behind it, I just think the way he looks protrudes douchebaggery. These are all the ultimate hedges against my own mush of a brain, if I go 0-12 it simply means all these players stunk and that's fundamentally a win-- in fact, I truly can't lose no matter what. I'll tell you, they don't make brains like this in every jamoke popping out the snatch. 

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Ps. If you were under the impression this was all a bit, you're sadly mistake my good friend.