What Do We Think Dan Orlovsky's Hobbies Are? Beastiality? Astrology? Midget Porn?

If you're one of those insufferable Twitter morons who actually enjoys Dan Orlovsky, just know I want you dead. Dan Orlovsky is everything wrong with ESPN as it's currently assembled. I seriously do not give a single shit about him breaking down film and thinking he's an offensive coordinator while on the set of 'Get Up'. Between Dan Orlovsky and Mike Greenberg, I don't think there's ever been a more porcelain adjacent duo on television. Who wakes up yearning to hear what the former idiot from the Detroit Lions and the lesser of the Mikes has to say about sports? As overheard at the local Quiznos "they make my coochie dry".

Dan Orlovsky went on television and said he has Sam Darnold ranked above Lamar Jackson for the future....seriously, he said that. Like, the MVP who was drafted in the same year as Darnold. Then teams, like actual NFL teams brought him in to interview for an Offensive Coordinator position. Sure, hiring people off TV has never blown up in a colossal way before anyways. He seems like a fine enough fella though outside of being an insufferable piece of shit, he's a god fearing man and although he's the absolute worst to ever do it, he thinks people care and tries to educate people through his knowledge of X's and O's. 

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK... pic.twitter.com/jCYn7OqRSn

— 𝙎𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙧𝙤 🎱🚶🏽‍♂️(0-0) (@Era8Sandro) April 29, 2020

So what does he do when he's not bothering every American alive via being excruciatingly dull? Every man who claims to be a  "follower of Jesus" has some dark ass alter ego in which he either tortures squirrels or poisons large reservoirs. Anyone who portrays themselves as such a trim and proper fella is hiding demons like you wouldn't believe. So I've come up with my own hypothesis, as proven by the title I have 3 theories. 

Midget Porn-- I don't know man....look at his wife man...you can't tell me it'd be the craziest kink he could have. Sure, it could be flawed reasoning but just think about it...have you thought about it? I could see his computer chalk full of viruses due to him clicking on the "grow your dick 6 inches instantly!" pop-ups. We don't think there's any chance his home screen is xhamster, so he can crank his hog to a Gary Coleman lookalike fucking a Linda Hunt looking librarian, before breaking down Ali Marpet's Week 12 pull blocking? I'm calling bullshit if you can't see a world in which this is 100% accurate. Do we think anyone in the ESPN office genuinely likes Dan Orlovsky? In my eyes, they all see him as the kid in class who you just leave alone so when he has his eventual breakdown you're not who he comes after in search of vengeance. Midget porn is at the top of my power rankings, but if his internet history was exposed, it wouldn't befuddle me to find all three of these throughout his "top searches". 

Astrology-- I'm at a weird place in my life where I'm one accurate horoscope away from becoming a full blown astrology nutjob. I have no religion to believe in and I need a reason to not kill myself on a daily basis. Every day I mutter to myself like a New York City hobo about how there's no meaning to life, so someone find me a good horoscope and I'm in. As for Dan Orlovsky, he seems just woo woo enough to believe in the power of the stars and pansy enough to blame all his problems on "mercury being in retrograde". I am unaware if anything astrology related contradicts his religious beliefs however and if there's ever been a Go God Go guy, it's Danski. I'm a bad weekend away from Heath Ledger mentally, so I can admit Astrology is pretty fucking looney if I'm considering it-- Scientology might be a safer route. No one who trusts astrology gets married though, it's too much of a "societal construct" and as Danny Baby's bio clearly states, he's married to "a cool chick", talk about flattering. When I find my life partner I can only hope she thinks I'm "a cool dude".  

Beastiality-- This brings us to the next most likely scenario, fucking animals. Nothing exotic, he's not a lunatic-- just your run of the mill provocateurs, Deer, Dogs, Horses, the occasional Cattle, and Cats. He's not a raging mad man running around raping Turtles and Bobcats, just a good consensual bang sesh between a man and a feral feline or two. With the ESPN campus located in the midst of rural Connecticut there's surely a wide array of stray street deer to keep things fresh with. He did spend a majority of his career in Detroit on a team called the "Lions", both of which are primed to cultivate a demonic habit or two. I mean even Calvin Johnson, the most disciplined individual alive had to turn to the Devils Lettuce to survive that environment. 

Whatever the fuck it is, no one can be as innocent as Dan Orlovsky wants to come across as. Let's just all hope he's not harming anyone in the process, I'm surely not gonna put that into the universe. Maybe he's truly just the purest person alive and his vice is just giving blood to cancer patients. (definitely not true).