Showing posts with label blue jays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blue jays. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 15, 2020

A 5'8 265 Pound MLB Catcher Is The Role Model America's Been Yearning For

So...we're all fucked, no matter your political affiliation or where you stand on certain issues, you have to resign to the fact that there's nothing to look forward to or hold in reverence. Is this new, or perhaps is this something that's always been the case, and with increased media exposure we're finally seeing just how awful America actually is. Before you call me a "treacherous rebel" because you've been brainwashed to think democracy is good, just remember, I don't care. The thing is, you can't just live your life in misery, you have to find some type of entertainment or individual, to find solace in and enjoy. For most, they take this solace in religion, personally I think those people are fucking idiots, but no judgement here. 

 MY God, however is a man named Alejandro Kirk, a rotund, thick king. A man who's been able to traverse through years of the minor leagues, without being forced to lose a single pound. A man who has never allowed a ball to pass his sex symbol physique, behind the dish. A man who, despite having a BMI residing in the morbidly obese range, is an MLB player. And not only is he just an MLB player, he made his debut at 21 years old-- meaning he's insanely talented and has a future in the league. Now THAT'S the best news of the year, the fact that we'll get 15 years of a compacted Bartolo Colon sliding back and forth behind the dish. Are you kidding me? Baseball IS the sport of the future, I'll agree with that lunacy now.

 America's always trying to normalize a wide variety of unhealthy habits, including rampant obesity. No longer, can you point out someone being 5'1 255 pounds, and waddling like a penguin. It's now "fat shaming" and being "fat phobic". So, if you want a role model for these individuals outraged over all of Twitter? I've got the pudgy prince for you, let Alejandro be himself and rule over all of you slobs. 
Sure, he's only played one game and Toronto seems to have a catcher rotation they're comfortable in, with Jansen and McGuire. But if we've come to learn anything from the Jays front office, it's that they love a man with a tonka truck. Vladdy Jr. has stayed corpulent and they have no qualms, give Kirk his shot and let your 1st baseman and catcher look like baseball Costanza and Rosie O'Donnell-- for us? For the morale of all 200 million of us? Give us some good news before we're devastated in November, I know you're from Canada and all, but you could throw us a little bone. Cats can have a little salami, you know? 
 

 Small sample size but does that matter? Aly Baby Thickums, has an on base percentage of .500 and an OPS+ of 135, is that good? For a catcher? I'd say so. He has no strikeouts and has worked a walk already, not to get dramatic, but if they sent him back down to the alternative site, I'll literally injure Josh Allen. Your move Buffalo. 
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Saturday, July 18, 2020

Nightly MLB Recap: Baseball Feels Relatively Normal And Saturday Felt Like A Standard Summer Night For Once

You could color me skeptical if I didn't quite have the utmost confidence in Major League Baseball to have a polished, trouble-free start to the 2020 season. I will eat the crow when I have to though, although it wouldn't be my preferential poultry I will admit that these games feel admittedly serene and as conventional as could be wished for given the circumstances. When a homer is hit, despite there being no drunken belligerent middle aged white men to trample children for a souvenir, nothing seems to be missing. 

 The Mets having cardboard cutouts behind home plate feels fitting for their franchise. Will it feel more gimmicky if and when done by a more proficient franchise with real goals? I'd venture to guess so, but for now the Mets and their turbulent yips infested 3rd baseman will lead the charge at Citi Field in this fathead poster like background.  
Staying within the inner-state rivalry in Flushing, New York, Gio Urshela decided he wasn't hurt after all and instead decided to play as if he was Brooks Robinson reincarnated. 
Luis Robert might just be Mike Trout but cool? Is that an overstatement based upon a couple of summer camp bombs? Well let's slow down there, i'll have you know those bombs were of the atomic variety. A young star breaking into Chicago, coming onto the scene as a 23 year old, winning Rookie of the Year and leading his team to the playoffs? Well that would never happen. 
On all that is holy, I hope that Clint Frazier has a breakout season whilst wearing a mask and becomes the MLB's Rip Hamilton. After 3 years of vacillating play, seasons beset by injury and public distain, wouldn't it be something if he became superstitious and the mask is the secret behind his success. Baseball players with more general appeal to the public, not as awful as Manfred may lead you to believe. 
It's a real shame the Phillies don't have any pitching behind Aaron Nola and potentially Zack Wheeler because that lineup is gonna be fuckin' jet set high society, it's going to be really damn good is what i'm trying to say. Given the Nationals threw their top pitcher out there tonight and he got a touchdown AND an extra point put on his ass, the delightful and not at all dirty people of Philly are gonna have a lot to clap unironically at their television about. Didi going absolutely balls deep in DC followed by the ever trivialized Bryce Harper taking his former roundball mate out to Manassas could have ya 2008 dreamin' in the city of Brotherly Love. Bryce Harper, 2020 MVP, fuck the blockhead media members and their opinions. 
This penultimate topic is trivial and highly personalized but god damnit it pains me to see Dellin Betances in a Metropolitans uniform. From the impoverished colors to the "i'm being held against my will" facial hair, nothing about this picture is pretty to me. I'll be the first to say it, I, do not like it!
Vladdy's swing is so damn pretty. Put a hard seltzer or two in me and that Tonka truck he's haulin' doesn't look too bad either. Whew.
Baseball being back is exceedingly good news for me, I can now forget about the perils of life and how immensely pointless it frankly is and devote my attention to staring at a television for 4-8 hours a day making those who care for me apprehensive and concerned. God bless America and my right to be a complete and utter leech to society.
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Some Alternative Locations For The Blue Jays To Play After Canada Said Get The Fuck Out

Learning this unfortunate revelation 5 days before the season is set to begin, well, frankly it's not good. Shocking hot take I know, but I have to make my bones somehow in this dying industry of written word which I have for unknown reasons decided to strive for a career in. Not all is lost however, playing in a new location can be a joyous experience and test your mental fortitude as a MAN to adapt to unpleasant localities. 

 Jeff Passan, that diminutive John Mulaney counterpart has since assumed they will be heading to the divine city of Buffalo, New York.      

I refuse to believe anyone would enjoy a life in Buffalo, New York, much less whilst in a pandemic. Thus, I found some fields in locations which might be preferable for these professional athletes with standards higher than maimed plastic tables and architecture which hasn't been updated since the Battle of Gettysburg. 
If you conjoined Yankee Stadium and Petco Park, this is your result. Located in Fulton, Kentucky, we ably know that they would welcome the Blue Birds with open arms. Both because the majority of their legislature plausibly doesn't give credence to the "conspiracy of coronavirus" and because they love anything that's blue in Kentucky. They're simple people with standards that make your drunk college buddy look like a prude. 
Who knows how many more local legislatures will go against the powers that be of Rob Manfred and declare it illegal for MLB teams to travel in and out of their provinces. That's why it's essential to be proactive and get ahead of this hurdle. This beautiful compound with a triumvirate of fields could home up to 6 teams a day, equaling a rotating bubble in which 20% of the league could be shackled up in the same suburban Ohio amalgamation that bred the incredible talents of LeBron James and Terry Rozier. 
You've heard of Tal's Hill out in the pre-renovation Minute Maid park with a flagpole to spark anxiety and general uneasiness in centerfields weary of decapitation or even something as rudimentary as a concussion. The snowflake culture of the chalky, long in the tooth Astros ownership had it taken down to "make more money" by adding seats to the ballpark. However, in my MLB we trudge through the elements and the obstacles. At the above field in Toms River, New Jersey, the subdued scatterbrains will finally have to pay attention to where they're running while tracking down flyballs. With Rogers Centre being out of commission for the 2020 season, make Randal Grichuk and his pretty boy mug stay aware at all times or end up spiked into the corner of a loan agency for dollar slice pizza spots in Downtown Manhattan. 
This beaut, located in Burbank, California, is regretfully unlikely due to the Blue Jays playing in the Eastern division. Nonetheless, allow a man to dream, seeing Vladdy crush hanging sliders into the windshields of quinoa chomping deviants would be reminiscent of Backyard Baseball and the countless fruitless hours spent believing in my abilities.


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