Fuck, Marry, Kill- Pizza, Wings, Nuggets

I have to get us back on track after yesterday, it was the worst/best thing I've ever written. Normally I enjoy treating the blogs like my alter ego, as if I could do any of the shit I talk about. Sticking my dick into Watermelons and Pumpkins is neither something I desire nor garner curiosities about, but that was some good ass content. This blog will be far more innocent, does that mean much? Not really, BUT I won't be talking about the pros and cons of sticking your dick through a slice of pepperoni. The bone on a wing won't be keeping me from choosing them, simply because it would hurt to penetrate. I will be fair, and I will be just, because I'm nothing if not morally honest with you cool cats and kittens.

As I dreamed up this blog I pontificated, "what slant do I take?"-- shall I treat these delicacies as the food they are OR would any make for a good pocket pussy? Which will the people laugh harder at? I think we know the answer to that question, but I genuinely can't today. Call this a filler blog or me meeting a quota but I have to have SOME self respect. 

Oh, you thought I was being serious! Self respect? Needing a break? Are you kidding me? I will never just "fill a quota", I like the eroticism of food-- sue me. People have banged much worse objects and beings, I'm not hurting a soul. Let's do the dirty with some bar favorites. To preface this all, they could all catch these strokes, but one must be eliminated-- sorry to all I'll hurt with whichever I choose to discard.

via GIPHY

Fuck- Nuggets

Now this is just a no brainer, the easiest decision I've ever made. I have a tiny dick! It just is what it is, I've come to love it. The nugget has the perfect surface area to enclose the width of my johnson without bursting the crisp exterior. The biggest draw of the mighty nugget however is it's texture. The soft, moist interior isn't gonna leave a mark behind and will NOT be leaving my 3 inch thrasher in a bloody mess. When I envision the genre of nugget, I'm viewing the soft, pillowy Mickey D's golden brown poultry piece. If we were to be discussing the Burger King nuggets however, my answer might be flipped right on its head. The loose breadcrumbs from those Aardvark infused tidbits would slip into your urethra and send you straight into a wild frenzy of pain. I'm sticking my dick straight through a 6 piece lined up in an elementary school fashioned line. 

Marry- Pizza

I could eat pizza every day for the rest of my life, and the image of pizza I've provided is a work of art. Warhol, Picasso, Dali, Van Gogh, none of the above have come close to replicating the beauty of this pie. The crispy, curly pepperoni's, the charred crust, all the way to the thoroughly underrated square modeled specialty. The fluff of the dough would make for a great sex toy hearty meal to keep you warm through the winters, and during the summer there's nothing better than a good cold leftover slice. Now you may be confused as to why I'm not sexualizing this food when Nuggets got me to completion within a single paragraph. My rebuttal is as follows, Nuggets plain stink as a food-- their only real use to me is as a fleshlight, simple. Pizza on the other hand is the best meal to ever grace this floating rock, I can't adulterate it by fucking it! I'll marry it though because much like marriage with a human wife is free sex, marriage with pizza is free pizza. 

Kill- Wings

Oh bubba, you guessed it. The bone....it's painful. The sauce....it's painful. I'm a sensitive snowflake and can't have the thin lining of my peter piper risk either burn nor laceration via humerus bone. You can't enter into a sexless marriage like I described via the pepperoni's above, Wings are just too fucking pretentious-- it's like a dollar a wing, what gives them the prerogative to demand so much for less meat than Howard Stern packs? Even if we're sticking to purely consumption, Wings are no where near Pizza. They're...just...inferior. A good wing is scarce and the commonality of the soggy wing ruins the entire reputation of the poultry genre. 

Becoming a blogger inevitably leads to brain damage, it happened within days to me. Smut is becoming funnier and funnier, my quick witted nature and unique insults have faded. My creativity has bolted off the chart and sent my brain into a terrifying realm, I apologize for everything that's bound to take place from here on out.