Fuck, Marry, Kill- Pizza, Wings, Nuggets

I have to get us back on track after yesterday, it was the worst/best thing I've ever written. Normally I enjoy treating the blogs like my alter ego, as if I could do any of the shit I talk about. Sticking my dick into Watermelons and Pumpkins is neither something I desire nor garner curiosities about, but that was some good ass content. This blog will be far more innocent, does that mean much? Not really, BUT I won't be talking about the pros and cons of sticking your dick through a slice of pepperoni. The bone on a wing won't be keeping me from choosing them, simply because it would hurt to penetrate. I will be fair, and I will be just, because I'm nothing if not morally honest with you cool cats and kittens.

As I dreamed up this blog I pontificated, "what slant do I take?"-- shall I treat these delicacies as the food they are OR would any make for a good pocket pussy? Which will the people laugh harder at? I think we know the answer to that question, but I genuinely can't today. Call this a filler blog or me meeting a quota but I have to have SOME self respect. 

Oh, you thought I was being serious! Self respect? Needing a break? Are you kidding me? I will never just "fill a quota", I like the eroticism of food-- sue me. People have banged much worse objects and beings, I'm not hurting a soul. Let's do the dirty with some bar favorites. To preface this all, they could all catch these strokes, but one must be eliminated-- sorry to all I'll hurt with whichever I choose to discard.

via GIPHY

Fuck- Nuggets

Now this is just a no brainer, the easiest decision I've ever made. I have a tiny dick! It just is what it is, I've come to love it. The nugget has the perfect surface area to enclose the width of my johnson without bursting the crisp exterior. The biggest draw of the mighty nugget however is it's texture. The soft, moist interior isn't gonna leave a mark behind and will NOT be leaving my 3 inch thrasher in a bloody mess. When I envision the genre of nugget, I'm viewing the soft, pillowy Mickey D's golden brown poultry piece. If we were to be discussing the Burger King nuggets however, my answer might be flipped right on its head. The loose breadcrumbs from those Aardvark infused tidbits would slip into your urethra and send you straight into a wild frenzy of pain. I'm sticking my dick straight through a 6 piece lined up in an elementary school fashioned line. 

Marry- Pizza

I could eat pizza every day for the rest of my life, and the image of pizza I've provided is a work of art. Warhol, Picasso, Dali, Van Gogh, none of the above have come close to replicating the beauty of this pie. The crispy, curly pepperoni's, the charred crust, all the way to the thoroughly underrated square modeled specialty. The fluff of the dough would make for a great sex toy hearty meal to keep you warm through the winters, and during the summer there's nothing better than a good cold leftover slice. Now you may be confused as to why I'm not sexualizing this food when Nuggets got me to completion within a single paragraph. My rebuttal is as follows, Nuggets plain stink as a food-- their only real use to me is as a fleshlight, simple. Pizza on the other hand is the best meal to ever grace this floating rock, I can't adulterate it by fucking it! I'll marry it though because much like marriage with a human wife is free sex, marriage with pizza is free pizza. 

Kill- Wings

Oh bubba, you guessed it. The bone....it's painful. The sauce....it's painful. I'm a sensitive snowflake and can't have the thin lining of my peter piper risk either burn nor laceration via humerus bone. You can't enter into a sexless marriage like I described via the pepperoni's above, Wings are just too fucking pretentious-- it's like a dollar a wing, what gives them the prerogative to demand so much for less meat than Howard Stern packs? Even if we're sticking to purely consumption, Wings are no where near Pizza. They're...just...inferior. A good wing is scarce and the commonality of the soggy wing ruins the entire reputation of the poultry genre. 

Becoming a blogger inevitably leads to brain damage, it happened within days to me. Smut is becoming funnier and funnier, my quick witted nature and unique insults have faded. My creativity has bolted off the chart and sent my brain into a terrifying realm, I apologize for everything that's bound to take place from here on out. 

A Deep Dive Into The Pizza Subreddit's Hate For Davey Pageviews

When you've tried over 800 different pizza spots, you'd think the main pizza subreddit with over 250K members would be abuzz with your reviews and opinions on your pizza scores...wrong. After snooping around the Pizza reddit i've discovered they are passionate about both the craft of making pizza as well as the consumption of different pizza parlors.

Which leads me to this conclusion, the Pizza subreddit...has blackballed Davey Pageviews aka Dave Portnoy aka El Presidente. 

Seems suspicious enough, no? For the guy with a combined 63 million views on his newest YouTube channel alone to not have a name mention? Just me? Alright sure. Lets take a look for his alias, shown during the intro to every video. 

One mention? Nothing sketchy there! 

What about the utmost authoritative pizza app out there, the One Bite app which has a community of ratings from pizza amateurs to the pizza king himself? Surely they must love that, a Yelp type app dedicated purely to the food that brings them passion and joy. 

A meager two mentions, and one wasn't even by the correct name...however i'll give them the benefit of the doubt...as to not be biased.

What about some comments? 

Card Card Card
And there's all the comments! Count 'em, one two aaand a three...Uber Deb is more beloved than Dave! Attacking his credibility just for his birthplace? What kind of patriotism is that? 

What's that old saying? Everyone hates the top dog? 

Yup, seems accurate. #FreePageviews

Did Pizza Begin As A Mussolini War Tactic?

As someone who believes in equality and rights for all (not to brag), I admit Mussolini was a terrible person...however Skip Bayless, the fact that Pizza was created during Mussolini's rise to prominence...leads me to believe he played a hand, and not with the most pure intentions. 













Being a ruthless evil killing machine seems like hard work and i'm sure any shortcut available would have been of great assistance. Luring in his competition with a delicious, tantalizing cuisine which is unique to his region would be the perfect bait. Baby Benito went to his mother as a wee toddler and this was the beginning of Mussolini's plot for world dominance...he told her "mother, I emplore you to commission the finest baker in all the land to create a dish so irresistible, so addicting, SO TANTALIZING that it will draw crowds from acrost the globe.". The pushover she was, she asked no further questions of her 5 year old sons' demands and happily obliged. The baker began to search for a savory delight in which no sane person could turn down.

As he grew older and realized the powers of what he had created...in the Pizza, he felt remorse growing fatter and fatter, as the cheese coated his blubbery soft sides. He decided that he never wanted to be held responsible for the monstrosity he had created... he decided he would allow the baker to be credited for his works in history books.





















The Pizza Maker in Italy was delighted and wanted his creation to expand into regions beyond just Italy. He decided to send the recipe to his Grandfather in the states by the name of John Schnatter and thus began the prominence of Pizza in the United States...and soon worldwide. It has taken the globe by storm and hooked many, on its addictive qualities designed by the ruthless dictator himself. 

So the next time you're at a bar with friends or a football game and someone asks why pizza is so damn good? You tell them it was Mussolini and his damned mother.