Some Alternative Locations For The Blue Jays To Play After Canada Said Get The Fuck Out

TORONTO (AP) _ AP source says Blue Jays denied Canadian government approval to play games in Toronto amid pandemic.

— Rob Gillies (@rgilliescanada) July 18, 2020

Learning this unfortunate revelation 5 days before the season is set to begin, well, frankly it's not good. Shocking hot take I know, but I have to make my bones somehow in this dying industry of written word which I have for unknown reasons decided to strive for a career in. Not all is lost however, playing in a new location can be a joyous experience and test your mental fortitude as a MAN to adapt to unpleasant localities. 

Jeff Passan, that diminutive John Mulaney counterpart has since assumed they will be heading to the divine city of Buffalo, New York.      

Hello, Buffalo Blue Jays? https://t.co/8URvb8Wllo

— Jeff Passan (@JeffPassan) July 18, 2020

I refuse to believe anyone would enjoy a life in Buffalo, New York, much less whilst in a pandemic. Thus, I found some fields in locations which might be preferable for these professional athletes with standards higher than maimed plastic tables and architecture which hasn't been updated since the Battle of Gettysburg. 

If you conjoined Yankee Stadium and Petco Park, this is your result. Located in Fulton, Kentucky, we ably know that they would welcome the Blue Birds with open arms. Both because the majority of their legislature plausibly doesn't give credence to the "conspiracy of coronavirus" and because they love anything that's blue in Kentucky. They're simple people with standards that make your drunk college buddy look like a prude. 

Who knows how many more local legislatures will go against the powers that be of Rob Manfred and declare it illegal for MLB teams to travel in and out of their provinces. That's why it's essential to be proactive and get ahead of this hurdle. This beautiful compound with a triumvirate of fields could home up to 6 teams a day, equaling a rotating bubble in which 20% of the league could be shackled up in the same suburban Ohio amalgamation that bred the incredible talents of LeBron James and Terry Rozier. 

You've heard of Tal's Hill out in the pre-renovation Minute Maid park with a flagpole to spark anxiety and general uneasiness in centerfields weary of decapitation or even something as rudimentary as a concussion. The snowflake culture of the chalky, long in the tooth Astros ownership had it taken down to "make more money" by adding seats to the ballpark. However, in my MLB we trudge through the elements and the obstacles. At the above field in Toms River, New Jersey, the subdued scatterbrains will finally have to pay attention to where they're running while tracking down flyballs. With Rogers Centre being out of commission for the 2020 season, make Randal Grichuk and his pretty boy mug stay aware at all times or end up spiked into the corner of a loan agency for dollar slice pizza spots in Downtown Manhattan. 

This beaut, located in Burbank, California, is regretfully unlikely due to the Blue Jays playing in the Eastern division. Nonetheless, allow a man to dream, seeing Vladdy crush hanging sliders into the windshields of quinoa chomping deviants would be reminiscent of Backyard Baseball and the countless fruitless hours spent believing in my abilities.