Mookie Betts Is Soon To Be Sad

Betts, Dodgers agreement is for 12 year extension for about $350M. Just finalizing.

— Jon Heyman (@JonHeyman) July 22, 2020

Danny Phantom's mom was dumb thick, and Mookie Betts should be fucking sick. As someone who grew up in a variety of regions due to the nature of having a father working occupational therapist constantly caught rummaging through the purses of the monotone subdued employees, I can tell you with full confidence that there is no worse place in country than Los Angeles.  

Through the thick, wet smog lies entitlement and traffic, a combination combing through the nightmares of any rational being. The forbidden Red Sox right fielder has been a resident for less than 6 months yet thinks he knows what he's signed himself up for, it's going to be a treacherous 13 years filled with quinoa and carrot juice. 

Along with a price of living which makes New Yorkers squeamish, the income tax rate in this god forsaken region is approaching double that of his formerly known domicile in the greater eastside.  Meaning after taxes he's receiving a Nicholas Batumish 26 million per year, Hassan Whiteside scoffs upon salaries so meager. 

The moral of this tale is that California is a miserable existence, nature is overrated and merely to distract you from the incessant child trafficking taking place within this territory. Boston now gets to feel what it's like to overrate their own Jeter much as Yankees fans have for centuries. A middling fielder proficient in slap singles is actually superior to your budding superstar at the hot corner. Devers gets to feel the pain A-Rod felt and Jeter Downs gets to hear intolerant bigotry chanted from the stands. Neither is worse however than signing up for a lifetime in the debris and vermin which is the below sea-level bowl called Los Angeles. 

There Are Going To Be An Astronomical Amount Of Pickoff Attempts This Season

Amongst the concerns MLB professionals have had are around momentum and more pejorative statements that inflame the analytic poindexters up a wall. I have to use large words because along with spreadsheets, that seems to be the only way to communicate with these people, every word has to be at least 3 syllables and has to have you scrambling to google wondering what the fuck you just read. 

Throughout the first batch of competitive "Summer Camp" games on Saturday, this issue didn't present itself much however you know damn well without the crowd dissuading pitchers, 12 consecutive implausible pick off attempts is on the horizon.

Whilst pumping in eery false crowd noise, it seems doubtful that button man up in the PA booth paid in root beer floats from A&W, will be mercilessly booing the pitcher attempting to limit stolen bases. 

With this likely to take place it will without a doubt create a spike in average game time, leading the maestro who is Rob Manfred to implement more obtuse, cracked changes to the game. I say this all to lead to this conclusion, Rob Manfred needs to be shot to the moon and have his job taken. 

If Gio Urshela Is Done For The Season, It's Time For The Yankees To Delve Into Witchcraft To Break this Injury Curse

Gio Urshela on the ground, being checked out by the Yankees' trainer. He walked off from third base during workouts and laid down in foul ground. Now he's sitting up.

— Brendan Kuty (@BrendanKutyNJ) July 18, 2020

Gio Urshela just went off the field with trainer Steve Donohue #Yankees

— Kristie Ackert (@ByKristieAckert) July 18, 2020

It was just going far too well, much too harmoniously for the powers that be. They needed to make sure we as communal Yankee fan remembered that there's no chance injuries won't be fucking us reverse cowgirl throughout the sixty game scamper. 

Aaron Judge was actually able to participate at the jump of camp and his neck stiffness was actually just the knot in your neck you might receive after a night of snooze whilst camping. Miguel Andújar looks better in left field than he ever did at the corner allowing the chance that he may get some playing time. Wow, imagine that, things going good without crippling large gashes or traumas. 

At this point, Gio definitely has a torn achilles, i've prepared myself for the worst because i've become a callous grudge filled man. Gio's cosmic grin will be the only thing that can cure this hurt in my heart. His smile could cure chronic diseases and end world hunger, this year will feel partially empty without him. 

Some Alternative Locations For The Blue Jays To Play After Canada Said Get The Fuck Out

TORONTO (AP) _ AP source says Blue Jays denied Canadian government approval to play games in Toronto amid pandemic.

— Rob Gillies (@rgilliescanada) July 18, 2020

Learning this unfortunate revelation 5 days before the season is set to begin, well, frankly it's not good. Shocking hot take I know, but I have to make my bones somehow in this dying industry of written word which I have for unknown reasons decided to strive for a career in. Not all is lost however, playing in a new location can be a joyous experience and test your mental fortitude as a MAN to adapt to unpleasant localities. 

Jeff Passan, that diminutive John Mulaney counterpart has since assumed they will be heading to the divine city of Buffalo, New York.      

Hello, Buffalo Blue Jays? https://t.co/8URvb8Wllo

— Jeff Passan (@JeffPassan) July 18, 2020

I refuse to believe anyone would enjoy a life in Buffalo, New York, much less whilst in a pandemic. Thus, I found some fields in locations which might be preferable for these professional athletes with standards higher than maimed plastic tables and architecture which hasn't been updated since the Battle of Gettysburg. 

If you conjoined Yankee Stadium and Petco Park, this is your result. Located in Fulton, Kentucky, we ably know that they would welcome the Blue Birds with open arms. Both because the majority of their legislature plausibly doesn't give credence to the "conspiracy of coronavirus" and because they love anything that's blue in Kentucky. They're simple people with standards that make your drunk college buddy look like a prude. 

Who knows how many more local legislatures will go against the powers that be of Rob Manfred and declare it illegal for MLB teams to travel in and out of their provinces. That's why it's essential to be proactive and get ahead of this hurdle. This beautiful compound with a triumvirate of fields could home up to 6 teams a day, equaling a rotating bubble in which 20% of the league could be shackled up in the same suburban Ohio amalgamation that bred the incredible talents of LeBron James and Terry Rozier. 

You've heard of Tal's Hill out in the pre-renovation Minute Maid park with a flagpole to spark anxiety and general uneasiness in centerfields weary of decapitation or even something as rudimentary as a concussion. The snowflake culture of the chalky, long in the tooth Astros ownership had it taken down to "make more money" by adding seats to the ballpark. However, in my MLB we trudge through the elements and the obstacles. At the above field in Toms River, New Jersey, the subdued scatterbrains will finally have to pay attention to where they're running while tracking down flyballs. With Rogers Centre being out of commission for the 2020 season, make Randal Grichuk and his pretty boy mug stay aware at all times or end up spiked into the corner of a loan agency for dollar slice pizza spots in Downtown Manhattan. 

This beaut, located in Burbank, California, is regretfully unlikely due to the Blue Jays playing in the Eastern division. Nonetheless, allow a man to dream, seeing Vladdy crush hanging sliders into the windshields of quinoa chomping deviants would be reminiscent of Backyard Baseball and the countless fruitless hours spent believing in my abilities.

In The Best News Of 2020 Domingo German Quits Baseball

#Yankees pitcher Domingo German posted this on his Instagram page. Translation is: “I left baseball. Thanks my people.” pic.twitter.com/8CSWcX9q05

— Bryan Hoch (@BryanHoch) July 18, 2020

What a time to be alive, couldn't have happened to a better fella. Perhaps Aroldis Chapman but i'll take 1 of the 2 for now.

I'm extremely grateful that I now don't have to justify watching and supporting a domestic abuser solely because he's a good player on my favorite roundball team. His incomprehensible acts and subsequent reaction easily outweigh the stud he was becoming on the field.

However I will miss the overwhelmingly amount of corny jokes Twitter had with his name. Hey guys, did you know Domingo means Sunday in Espanol? Fun fact, not many know. 

Domingo German on Memorial Day Weekend Sunday.

Domingo on Domingo. What a day.

— Eric Hubbs (@BarstoolHubbs) May 26, 2019

Domingo translates to Sunday FYI

— Talkin’ Jake (@TalkinJake) May 26, 2019

I love how “Sunday” (Domingo German) is pitching on Sunday

— Mike Mooney (@MikeMooney25) August 26, 2019

I love my fellow Yankee fans and the jokes that get killed quicker than JFK cruising through the Dallas streets. 

The Padres Are Dropping Their Dicks On The Table To Win Right Now

The Kansas City Royals have acquired outfielder Franchy Cordero from the San Diego Padres for reliever Tim Hill, sources familiar with the deal tell ESPN.

Cordero has massive power and has played all three OF positions. Hill has been an effective lefty for the last two years.

— Jeff Passan (@JeffPassan) July 17, 2020

After an offseason of trading slapdick prospects for Tommy Pham and Manny Margot for relief help the Padres strike again. 

Blake Snell hearing about the trade while streaming live haha its a whole new world pic.twitter.com/5azmNuIshp

— Jomboy (@Jomboy_) December 6, 2019

With the 60 game season in place, these fathers clearly thought that this was their shot and decided to pull out a trade amidst national pandemic, a week before the season starts. Cordero is a prospect who has less than 250 MLB at bats but at his peak was ranked as one of the top OF prospects in a loaded Padres system. With the Royals current roster having the competency of a strung out hooker, they're looking for any high ceiling player who can possibly help lead them back to the heights of yesteryear along with Jorge Soler.

Tim Hill had a 131 ERA+ last year, (100 is average) so he's pretty fucking good. He's controllable until 2025 when he'll be 35 and likely abysmal, so all in all the Padres will get 4-5 years of a good 7th inning man whilst paying him chicken bones and then the second he declines he will be pitching in the KBO. If you don't know the story of Tim Hill's battle with colon cancer, I suggest you read up on it, it'll leave ya wet in the face. 

The Padres bullpen now holsters Drew Pomeranz, Emilio Pagan, Kirby Yates, Tim Hill and Craig Stammen. Is that the best bullpen in the NL? Whomst among us is to say, I am certainly not not saying that. 

It's a damn shame they share a division with the Dodgers.

Whomst Did Byron Buxton Wrong In A Prior Life?

Byron Buxton was going back to catch a Nelson Cruz fly ball in deep center field and appeared to get his cleat stuck in the grass. He went down grabbing his leg/ankle. After several minutes, he was carted off the field. pic.twitter.com/KZjk6MZ8Jk

— Aaron Gleeman (@AaronGleeman) July 13, 2020

The #MNTwins have announced a left foot injury for Byron Buxton. He is having imaging done right now. They told us to expect more information tomorrow.

— Do-Hyoung Park (@dohyoungpark) July 13, 2020

It's just comical at this point. Byron Buxton has had insane talent his entire career and has been expected to be the next 5 tool phenom since he was drafted in the 2012 MLB Draft with the 2nd overall pick, yet his body has turned into paper mâché and betrayed him. 

In his first spring training with the big league club in 2014, he sprained a joint in his wrist and was forced to begin the year on the DL. Upon return, he re-injured the same wrist. Finally, he came back and received a promotion to AA, what could go wrong here!? He runs into the right fielder and gets diagnosed with a concussion, ending his season. Well fuck. 

Despite these injuries, Buxton opened the 2015 MLB season as the #2 prospect in all of baseball and quickly made his way to the MLB level. This is where it just gets outright abominable, since 2015 Buxton has dealt with sprained joints, toe injuries and concussions in every season he's played. 

Personally, i'm just shocked that he hasn't been able to live up to the hype whilst rehabbing from injury every offseason. I mean, is he even trying? 

Finally, a 60 game season where staying healthy would seemingly be easier than the malaise of a normal baseball season. Sounds like just what Buxton needs to get his career off and running.

.........

Nope, injured and likely out for the season before games even begin. Prayers up for Buxton and here's to hoping he can get that Germany hookup from A-Rod or Peyton.