Taijuan Walker? Brian Cashman, You've Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me.

It's quite the blessing that the Yankees have had such good fortunes with injury plagued pitchers acquired from Seattle, or this would just be flat out bananas! Who could forget the Michael Pineda Cy Young scorched earth season? Or when James Paxton overcame all his injury woes and dominated the AL, leading the Yanks to their first World Series since 2009? 

Oh, none of that happened? LSD just keeps getting better and better, I could've sworn trading for mutilated Mariners was the type of advanced, progressive thinking that had the Yankees as one of the leagues elites. 

Brian Cashman is a phenomenal GM, don't muttle my words. You wouldn't catch me saying otherwise as I couldn't be mistaken a plum fool! I tend to believe the capacity of his genius is restricted by the bastard son Steinbrenner (*cough*Bryce*cough*), however i'll save that rant for the people who care--not a soul alive. 

With that all said, his track record in trading for pitchers has been fucking horrific. There was better decision making in 'The Conjuring', and it's not like they've all been bad pitchers. Sonny Gray and Lance Lynn are two of the ten best pitchers in the MLB right now, Sonny was a mental midget demoralized by an fossilized pitching coach and Lynn never fit in, still not sure why. J.A Happ had a terrific end of the 2018 season after the trade but has turned into late career Jamie Moyer ever since, he fucking stinks. 

If you're gonna make a move for a pitcher...make a move for a proven pitcher maybe? Perhaps grabbing gashed and bruised career 4 ERA guys to add to a disable rotation of career 4 ERA guys isn't going to help shit? 

Alright now it's time to be honest, I have a unhealthy addiction to Taijuan Walker. Is it his racially ambiguous name? Is it my eeny weeny Caterpillar brain resorting towards when he was one of the 20 best prospects in baseball? Probably both, however there's beauty in knowing just how fucking stupid you truly are. Props to me for admitting I have the processing skills of an 8 year old after a ice cold Cherry Slurpee, Taijuan Walker should come no where near this team. 

With that said, trade whatever you want for him. His name is that of an ace and that's all that matters. And hey, at the end of the day pain is nothing new for Yankees fans and i'd love to suffer through another reclamation project with command issues. 

Game One Of Sixty, DC Is Flooding

Here goes the beginning of what is surely set to be the worst season in the history of sport. We've got teams unsure of where they will lay their weary heads and franchises foraging for a name in which doesn't ostracize entire demographics. Fox Sports believed that projected fans protruding from the knowingly empty seats was what the masses were clamoring for, I mean how fucking stupid--and Robert "Napoleon" Manfred waited until Opening Day to spring upon a 16 team playoff. 

No fans? Not on FOX Sports.

Thousands of virtual fans will attend FOX’s MLB games this Saturday. pic.twitter.com/z9oQU0rYuC

— FOX Sports (@FOXSports) July 23, 2020

What a start we are off towards, the opening game is projected to begin right as a tropical storm hits and there's been no discussion of starting the game before said typhoon. Anyhow, let's live in a fallacious world in which things work out and aren't canceled due to gross incompetence. The Yankees in all their flagrant elitism despite not having won shit since John McCain was a household name, travel to DC to face the seemingly desiccated Nationals. Juan Soto came down with the big C days ago yet only found out some 5 hours before gametime leaving them to rely on a generic name generated creature for offensive ammunition.  

Michael Taylor goes 0 for 5 with 5 strikeouts then loses the game with an error, a breakdown pic.twitter.com/9X1Y9w1uoE

— Jomboy (@Jomboy_) June 15, 2020

For the franchise formerly known as the Expos, a freshly abused Scherzer will take the mound promptly after a dose of retribution served out of Eastern Pennsylvania. He will face the recently cashed out Gerrit Cole and his forever misaligned voice versus demeanor. 

Bryce Harper showed up today, which is nice news for #RingTheBell fans.

Quick look at his odds for this season:

NL MVP Winner +1800
Regular Season Home Run Leader +2500

(odds from @WilliamHillUS) pic.twitter.com/LDoSzw5CRw

— Prime Time Odds (@TimeOdds) July 19, 2020

Cole being asked about this in the post-game interview pic.twitter.com/ltm2znveSv

— Jomboy (@Jomboy_) July 8, 2020

I've allocated a significant portion of my net worth on the Nationals (+1.5) parlayed along with the Giants @ Dodgers (under 8.5). By the morning I will either have exchanged sexual pleasantries for toothpaste or be dining upon a spread of boundless Cheddar Biscuits courtesy of the Red Lobster located near the recently foreclosed Sports Authority.

Wake Up With Aaron Judge Dropping Dick And Sending Warning Shots To The Entire Northeast United States

#AllRise: Aaron Judge homers to left to give the Yankees the early lead. pic.twitter.com/yBUOD1KZx1

— YES Network (@YESNetwork) July 19, 2020

Second home run of the night for Aaron Judge! pic.twitter.com/J8cqIfU0hQ

— Talkin' Yanks (@TalkinYanks) July 20, 2020

Many have for far too long talked shit on the fragility of one Aaron James Judge, so far this summer he's hitting 2 tank shots a contest. Watch the fuck out Barry, he keeps it up and that 73 is long in the dust bubba. 

Will this season end in a nagging groin issue that impacts his availability for the playoffs ultimately leading to the demise of the Yankees title hopes, putting in jeopardy his status in the future with the franchise? More than likely, but for now let us rejoice in the fact that our behemoth oaf of a king is back and in a loud way.  

That breach of land between his teeth and his poor choice in life partner (read:white women) will be there forever but what won't be is the dingers and the best goddamn defense in the sport. Enjoy it while you can because that shit is gonna be gone before we know it. 

Most defensive runs saved, last two seasons:

64 - Matt Chapman
47 - Nick Ahmed
40 - Lorenzo Cain
38 - Paul DeJong
37 - Aaron Judge
35 - Cody Bellinger
35 - Andrelton Simmons
35 - Kolten Wong
34 - Mookie Betts
31 - Harrison Bader
31 - Matt Olson
31 - Javier Baez

— Jeremy Frank (@MLBRandomStats) July 19, 2020

Sorry It's actualy more than that. Cuz he DHed 29 games in that span.

So actually fielding he played 184 games in the field as compared to Lorenzo Cain who had 281 nearly 100 games more.

— Beans 2: The Search for Curly’s gold✡️🔥🤦🏽‍♂️ (@EvelKneidel) July 19, 2020

If Gio Urshela Is Done For The Season, It's Time For The Yankees To Delve Into Witchcraft To Break this Injury Curse

Gio Urshela on the ground, being checked out by the Yankees' trainer. He walked off from third base during workouts and laid down in foul ground. Now he's sitting up.

— Brendan Kuty (@BrendanKutyNJ) July 18, 2020

Gio Urshela just went off the field with trainer Steve Donohue #Yankees

— Kristie Ackert (@ByKristieAckert) July 18, 2020

It was just going far too well, much too harmoniously for the powers that be. They needed to make sure we as communal Yankee fan remembered that there's no chance injuries won't be fucking us reverse cowgirl throughout the sixty game scamper. 

Aaron Judge was actually able to participate at the jump of camp and his neck stiffness was actually just the knot in your neck you might receive after a night of snooze whilst camping. Miguel Andújar looks better in left field than he ever did at the corner allowing the chance that he may get some playing time. Wow, imagine that, things going good without crippling large gashes or traumas. 

At this point, Gio definitely has a torn achilles, i've prepared myself for the worst because i've become a callous grudge filled man. Gio's cosmic grin will be the only thing that can cure this hurt in my heart. His smile could cure chronic diseases and end world hunger, this year will feel partially empty without him. 

In The Best News Of 2020 Domingo German Quits Baseball

#Yankees pitcher Domingo German posted this on his Instagram page. Translation is: “I left baseball. Thanks my people.” pic.twitter.com/8CSWcX9q05

— Bryan Hoch (@BryanHoch) July 18, 2020

What a time to be alive, couldn't have happened to a better fella. Perhaps Aroldis Chapman but i'll take 1 of the 2 for now.

I'm extremely grateful that I now don't have to justify watching and supporting a domestic abuser solely because he's a good player on my favorite roundball team. His incomprehensible acts and subsequent reaction easily outweigh the stud he was becoming on the field.

However I will miss the overwhelmingly amount of corny jokes Twitter had with his name. Hey guys, did you know Domingo means Sunday in Espanol? Fun fact, not many know. 

Domingo German on Memorial Day Weekend Sunday.

Domingo on Domingo. What a day.

— Eric Hubbs (@BarstoolHubbs) May 26, 2019

Domingo translates to Sunday FYI

— Talkin’ Jake (@TalkinJake) May 26, 2019

I love how “Sunday” (Domingo German) is pitching on Sunday

— Mike Mooney (@MikeMooney25) August 26, 2019

I love my fellow Yankee fans and the jokes that get killed quicker than JFK cruising through the Dallas streets. 

Bryce Harper in Pinstripes: What Could've Been

It always seemed destined to happen, until it fuckin' didn't. Bryce Harper came out as a young phenom, in Sports Illustrated, stating loud and clear that he dreamed of donning pinstripes. It so happens that the Yankees rake in the most money of any MLB team, by FAR, and just so conveniently in a sport without a salary cap.

Well looky here that seems to be a match made in heaven, how bout it?

Player, who is much worse than Bryce Harper,
frustrated after yet another strikeout...or maybe
he just strained his hamstring for the third time this season.

Hal Steinbrenner, cheapskate fuck Yankees Owner, is much too concerned with his bottom line than winning and putting out a compelling product for this to make sense. Fans gobble that shit up too, "huh huh well he traded for Giancarlo's money so you can't expect him to pay Bryce Harper too!" 

Are you fucking kidding me? 

THE YANKEES MADE 683 MILLION DOLLARS LAST YEAR. I mean seriously, Bryce Harper's annual salary for his 13 Year/330 Million contract is ~25.4M....THE YANKEES ARE PAYING BRETT GARDNER AND AARON HICKS ~21M THIS YEAR AND NEXT. When you can squeeze that extra 4.4M out, for far worse players...you've just gotta do it!

SIX HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THREE MILLION DOLLARS. 

Hicks is signed through 2025 and has played a grand total of 59 games since he signed his contract...but he'll be back strong this year, right? Nahh, he had Tommy John this offseason and isn't gonna be back until 2021! Damnit Hal, you've done it again! You're simply a genius.

Bryce Harper is an MVP, the most recognizable name in baseball...the most marketable player in baseball...and wanted to be a Yankee, all things being equal. God damn that luxary tax though Hal! You'll only make 200 instead of 300 million and won't be able to afford that 3rd Yacht! 


Are they going to pay Aaron Judge? You know, that guy gets injured! 

I say this all to point to the fact that, whatever spin ownership puts on saving money, the Village Idiots just eat that shit up. It's why the cycle of mediocrity continues and the Yankees haven't won shit in the last decade. Stop falling for owners crying poor, all whilst buying Rembrandt paintings and Beach Clubs down in the Bahamas.

People Complaining About Sports Trying To Come Back Are Tiring

In the past week, more and more leagues have been making progress on a return to action and live games.

ESPN Sources: Attendees left Board of Governors call w/ Adam Silver today feeling positive about momentum toward an NBA return to play this season. Discussion included how league/players will need to get comfortable w/ some positive tests for virus not shutting down a resumption

— Adrian Wojnarowski (@wojespn) May 13, 2020

The MLB owners have approved a proposal to present to players, as @Ken_Rosenthal reported. They plan to meet tomorrow to discuss it.

Now is when it starts to get serious. And we'll know soon enough if baseball is actually coming back in 2020.

— Jeff Passan (@JeffPassan) May 11, 2020

Nothing about MLB and the MLBPA’s talks Tuesday changed the calculus in any negotiation right now: Both parties have far too much to lose to allow something as solvable as money to wreck a season. Talked more about it with @Espngreeny on @GetUpESPN this morning. pic.twitter.com/YvrDcoVsMA

— Jeff Passan (@JeffPassan) May 13, 2020 

Adam Silver told those on the NBA’s Board of Governors call Tuesday that if a positive test would "shut us down, we probably shouldn't go down this path,” sources said. https://t.co/tkbh9poiQD

— Adrian Wojnarowski (@wojespn) May 13, 2020

This is all good news!!! Reason for celebration, even....For the past 60 days all we've have done is complain about boredom and talk about how much we miss sports....aaaannndd, now that they may come back, it's turned into a social commentary about the safety and morality of coming back?

Here's the thing,,,we, as in the general public, have ab-so-lutely no control at all. The leagues are going to do what they do and whether you fall on the side of "don't come back, wait until there's a vaccine" or "I just want entertainment"...it sincerely, doesn't matter what you think... 

This isn't to say that players, coaches and teams should feel pressure or an objectivity to come back either. But, if both players unions, owners, leagues annnd state officials are going to agree to let sports come back....complaining on Twitter is tiring and nonsensical. 

Instead of being skeptical, down and using it as a time for social commentary... why not just exhale, realize it's out of your control and rejoice that something we all love may be returning soon and bringing just a bit of normalcy with it.